Today is my first full day back from two weeks in the hell house. It was hard enough when my sister was there, but she left after week one and I had to deal with the dogs by myself for the last week. There were binges practically every day, and a lot of sun/peanut butter was eaten. Last Sunday, my first full day by myself, I broke. My mom came over for dinner, and it felt like she was mocking me. She could come and go as she pleased, but no matter I would always have to go back to that house and that psycho dog. I contained myself as best I could while she was there, but I did snap at her a lot and didn't make any effort to conceal my distress. Not long after she left, I binged. It wasn't much, but it did trigger a purge. I purged a bit, and then I broke down into uncontrollable crying. I knew being by myself that night, at that house, wasn't a going to be a good thing. I was afraid of myself. I called my mom and tried to convince her, through my painful sobbing, to come and get me. I ended up spending that night at my house, and my mom spent the night with the dogs I was supposed to be watching. I cried myself to sleep that week, all except Thursday and Friday nights. Thursday I spent the night at my house again, and Friday I felt more refreshed and knowing that it was my last night there helped, too.
That pretty much sums it all up to this point. My problem now is that I want to restrict again. I short-changed my meal plan Thursday, yesterday, and today. I'm starting to feel that niggling little fear of going over 1300 cals. I keep telling myself that it's not a problem, I'm eating enough and it's better than bingeing (right?).
Problem: Last Saturday, I weighed myself when we were over. 96.2. Not very accurate considering I had already been eating and drinking by then. However, based off of that, I could assume that if I had weighed that morning I would be at or a bit above 95. Okay, I was fine with that. I weighed myself Monday morning (since I had spent the night Sunday). 95.4. Fine, okay, whatever. I weighed myself this morning. 94.4. I went down. I like it and it scares me at the same time, just like before. I'm worried I'm going to start that cycle again. (I lost a couple ounces. No prob, I just won't lose anymore. Oops, lost a couple more. Freak out a bit. Get used to it. Oops I lost a couple ounces. No prob, I just won't lose anymore. And on and on and on.)
I'm so stuck right now. I've been in this state of not wanting to gain for about a month now, I think. Now, I've gained and then dropped. Do I go back to gaining? Do I try to maintain here? Do I pretend like the cycle isn't about to start again (if it hasn't already started)?
I'm stuck. I'm "between a rock and a hard place." Now how do I get out....?
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Thursday, August 9, 2012
Fall Semester 2012
I am officially signed up for my first semester of classes! My original plan (as of Tuesday at orientation) was The Information Age (computers), Intro to Sociology, Intro to Interpersonal Communication, and a math course. Last night, I thought about my classes and the path I was taking, and it made me a bit uncomfortable. So, this morning, I dropped sociology and communication in favor of General Psychology and Nutrition and Weight Management. I figure it covers both of the paths I'm trying to decide between: psychologist for disordered behaviors (general psych) and registered dietitian (nutrition/weight management).
I took my math placement test today, and although I didn't think I did very well (66), the advisor said it was one of the better scores and told me what math I should sign up for. Yay! Now to register for math and I'll be done! Not. Turns out the math she recommended me for is only available at another campus, and I am not going to drive a couple hours away for twice a week, every week. Without any other idea of what to take in place of it, I signed back up for Intro to Sociology!
I hope I can keep my classes up and don't break under pressure like I almost did for English last year (I did Dual Enrollment).
I took my math placement test today, and although I didn't think I did very well (66), the advisor said it was one of the better scores and told me what math I should sign up for. Yay! Now to register for math and I'll be done! Not. Turns out the math she recommended me for is only available at another campus, and I am not going to drive a couple hours away for twice a week, every week. Without any other idea of what to take in place of it, I signed back up for Intro to Sociology!
I hope I can keep my classes up and don't break under pressure like I almost did for English last year (I did Dual Enrollment).
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Hunger*
My hunger cues are coming back! Earlier today, at about 3:30, I noticed I was starting to feel hungry. That hasn't happened in almost a year I think. Normally, if I skip an eating time (since I eat by the clock), I get dizzy and lightheaded and it feels like there's air in my wrists and lower legs instead of blood. I hadn't skipped my afternoon snack, so it was a bit odd to feel hunger that early. Oh well. All that matters is that I was able to recognize hunger before I got to the "starving high" stage :)
Also, I have decided that I am going to maintain my weight. I decided this at 93 (I'm 5'3"), but ended up gaining another pound from fro yo and IHOP on Friday and Saturday. The reasoning is that I feel like I'm going to shut down and relapse if I gain any more. At the time I made the decision, I failed to recall that 93 is the weight I was at when I really felt myself losing control of myself (if that makes sense?). Now I'm thinking that the idea behind my choice is a result of subconciously realizing that fact, but only realizing it consciously after my feet were firmly planted in the "maintain" state of mind. No matter the reasons, I am working on maintaining now. If I gain, that's okay, but I'm not going to be actively trying to gain anymore. It's too much stress and struggle and has led to binges. If I lose weight...well, let's just hope that doesn't happen....
Also, I have decided that I am going to maintain my weight. I decided this at 93 (I'm 5'3"), but ended up gaining another pound from fro yo and IHOP on Friday and Saturday. The reasoning is that I feel like I'm going to shut down and relapse if I gain any more. At the time I made the decision, I failed to recall that 93 is the weight I was at when I really felt myself losing control of myself (if that makes sense?). Now I'm thinking that the idea behind my choice is a result of subconciously realizing that fact, but only realizing it consciously after my feet were firmly planted in the "maintain" state of mind. No matter the reasons, I am working on maintaining now. If I gain, that's okay, but I'm not going to be actively trying to gain anymore. It's too much stress and struggle and has led to binges. If I lose weight...well, let's just hope that doesn't happen....
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Annapolis Adventures and Love
I can't believe it's taken me a week to write about my Saturday. I keep thinking that I'm going to type up a post, but tumblr always sucks me in. Yeah, unfortunetly I'm one of those tumblr addicts...
Anyway. Saturday. The family and I went up to Annapolis with plans to see Ice Age 3 in a not sucky theater and take a trip to a Whole Foods (my favorite store!). My dad said we were going to leave at 10 (which turned into 10:30), but (as I'm always thinking about my next meal) I had to ask what we were going to do for lunch. We already had plans to have Whole Foods' hot bar for dinner, and we have never eaten out twice in one day. He looked so confused and was all "ummm...I hadn't thought about that." In the end, we decided to just eat at the mall where the theater was, and I took a giant leap out of my comfort zone. I ate sushi. Vegetarian, wanna-be vegan, me ate SUSHI! A california roll and half a spicy tuna roll to be exact. So, not only did I eat raw fish, I also ate a fear food: rice. AND on top of that, I had absolutely no idea of the cals, and I frankly didn't care. I thoroughly enjoyed my meal and the box of raisenettes I ate while watching Ice Age 3. That's right, I munched through the entire box of delicious milk chocolate coated raisins - weird ingredients, sugar, and all. Calories? What are calories? All I cared about was having a good time :)
When the movie was over, my dad asked if there was anything else we wanted to do before heading over to Whole Foods. Well, we were at a mall and so far three pairs of my shorts have decided they aren't going to fit anymore... I mentioned this and off we went in search of shorts! Sears was a bust, but at Forever21 I got a super-cute dress, two pairs of shorts with some growing room, a thin sweater for when it gets cooler, and a pin-stripe blazer (I've always wanted one!).
At Whole Foods, I didn't get any anxiety even though I ate terribly beforehand. When it came time to get dinner, I piled up half my carton with lettuce, buckwheat, and wheatberries, and then I filled the other half with random, calorie-filled foods. And I ate it all! No guilt, no thoughts of purging.
After my shower on Saturday, the snack-monster hit me hard. I wanted something to eat, but wasn't sure if I was hungry. I went back to the kitchen for something to eat a few times; it felt like the more I ate, the hungrier I was. Despite the extra food on top of an indulgent day, I didn't have any guilt, and I didn't want to purge.
Monday at a bit after midnight, S texted me. We had just said good night, so I wasn't expecting another text. He asked when we were going to start saying, "I love you." My reply was when both of us mean it so much it's hard not to say it. Then I asked him if thought he loved me. He replied, "I think I do yea." So I asked him if he meant it "so much that it's hard not to say it? That it feels like your heart melts when you think of me? That you smile at even the simplest text just because it's from me? That you're willing to put up with all my problems? That the thought of losing me makes you want to shove your face into a gallon of ice cream?" "Yes to all." He hadn't said it though because he was worried I'd get "cold feet." My reply to that was simply, "I love you."
Anyway. Saturday. The family and I went up to Annapolis with plans to see Ice Age 3 in a not sucky theater and take a trip to a Whole Foods (my favorite store!). My dad said we were going to leave at 10 (which turned into 10:30), but (as I'm always thinking about my next meal) I had to ask what we were going to do for lunch. We already had plans to have Whole Foods' hot bar for dinner, and we have never eaten out twice in one day. He looked so confused and was all "ummm...I hadn't thought about that." In the end, we decided to just eat at the mall where the theater was, and I took a giant leap out of my comfort zone. I ate sushi. Vegetarian, wanna-be vegan, me ate SUSHI! A california roll and half a spicy tuna roll to be exact. So, not only did I eat raw fish, I also ate a fear food: rice. AND on top of that, I had absolutely no idea of the cals, and I frankly didn't care. I thoroughly enjoyed my meal and the box of raisenettes I ate while watching Ice Age 3. That's right, I munched through the entire box of delicious milk chocolate coated raisins - weird ingredients, sugar, and all. Calories? What are calories? All I cared about was having a good time :)
When the movie was over, my dad asked if there was anything else we wanted to do before heading over to Whole Foods. Well, we were at a mall and so far three pairs of my shorts have decided they aren't going to fit anymore... I mentioned this and off we went in search of shorts! Sears was a bust, but at Forever21 I got a super-cute dress, two pairs of shorts with some growing room, a thin sweater for when it gets cooler, and a pin-stripe blazer (I've always wanted one!).
At Whole Foods, I didn't get any anxiety even though I ate terribly beforehand. When it came time to get dinner, I piled up half my carton with lettuce, buckwheat, and wheatberries, and then I filled the other half with random, calorie-filled foods. And I ate it all! No guilt, no thoughts of purging.
After my shower on Saturday, the snack-monster hit me hard. I wanted something to eat, but wasn't sure if I was hungry. I went back to the kitchen for something to eat a few times; it felt like the more I ate, the hungrier I was. Despite the extra food on top of an indulgent day, I didn't have any guilt, and I didn't want to purge.
Monday at a bit after midnight, S texted me. We had just said good night, so I wasn't expecting another text. He asked when we were going to start saying, "I love you." My reply was when both of us mean it so much it's hard not to say it. Then I asked him if thought he loved me. He replied, "I think I do yea." So I asked him if he meant it "so much that it's hard not to say it? That it feels like your heart melts when you think of me? That you smile at even the simplest text just because it's from me? That you're willing to put up with all my problems? That the thought of losing me makes you want to shove your face into a gallon of ice cream?" "Yes to all." He hadn't said it though because he was worried I'd get "cold feet." My reply to that was simply, "I love you."
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