Hello, Old Habits*

I was on the track to getting better. At least, I thought I was. I've been happy and upbeat for weeks. I haven't felt weak. I haven't had any negative thoughts toward myself, and very little towards others (we all know how difficult it is to think positively about some people). I haven't seen exircising as a "calorie burner" in months. I've been letting myself indulge when I want to. No food is off limits.

I've been lying to myself, putting a (very thick) "happy blanket" over my problems and not dealing with them. I've been letting them manifest in silence. Sitting under that blanket, writhing, growing, slowly tearing through the blanket.

Well, today, that "blanket" was ripped to shreds. No more hiding. No more lying. No more applying cover-up and pretending the problems underneath don't exist anymore.

I have been watching my cals very closely, lately. Terrified to get even close to 1400. I pretended it wasn't a problem because I was eating more than 1200 (albeit barely most days) and letting myself indulge more than before.

The blanket shredding really started yesterday evening when I skipped dinner in favor of doing P90X. The last time I did that was the day I broke down and confessed to my mom back in April. I did eventually eat, and I consumed plenty of calories; but that doesn't erase my old habit. I may have consumed enough cals, but I still went through with an ED behavior.

Today, my gran and mom went out to go Christmas shopping, leaving me to do my schoolwork. Shortly after they left, I made my way downstairs and poked around for something to eat for lunch. I had an Amy's burrito. No problem. I felt like having a chocolate-covered banana. Why not? No problem. I wanted Oreos, but knew I wouldn't be able to stop at just one, so I had a Cookies and Cream Clif bar, thinking it would squash my cravings. Problem: it didn't. I went back to the kitchen, ate an Oreo. Then, I went back and got a coupld more. Then, some more. Hello, old(-ish) habit.

I went back upstairs, grabbed my psych book and made myself walk up and down the stairs while I  read. That only lasted a couple minutes; I couldn't take the feelings of guilt anymore. The feelings of shame. I put my book down, went into the bathroom, and tried to purge. My nails are too long, so it hurt. I didn't get much out. That meant that I had to exircise to get rid of the calories. I put on my workout clothes, popped in Plyometrics X. My legs wanted to buckle because of the workout I did yesterday. I tryed pushing through. I broke down instead. I turned off the DVD.

The thoughts going through my head now are terrible. I can't eat the rest of the day. I have to restrict the rest of the week. I have to workout harder this week. I'm such a weak fatty.

I just want to curl up into a ball until the thoughts go away. I want to let them beat me down and leave me a mess. At least then I won't be pretending anymore.

I am going to rise above this. This is just a minor setback. Nobody's perfect, especially me. I'm going to look into therapy, now. I've been afraid of asking for professional help, but today has made me realize that I need it. I can't do this alone.

Mr. Noodle

Remember him? From Elmo's World on Sesame Street? The guy with the huge mustache that never talked? No? Okay...

Well, I didn't eat him (ew), but I did eat noodles for dinner!

This was actually a challenge I was hoping to put off, but I decided to tackle it head on. Besides, my mom bought a butternut squash and didn't know what to do with it ;)

My anxiety level was so high, but the delicious cheeze sauce helped me get through it. The only way to get the sauce is to eat the noodles, so I took a deep breath and devoured the plate. Subbing half the noodles with cauliflower was a big help, too; I knew I'd be getting some veggie goodness with each spoonful :)

I am weary about eating noodles again. I want to say, "I did it. I ate noodles. Now I never have to eat them again," but I think that's giving in. Why not give it another shot? Make a different yummy sauce and go all noodles next time? I think I'll do it, just to prove to myself that I can.

On a different note! S and I are back together! He kinda came crawling back today. As long he doesn't act like he did before we broke up, I like with being with him :)

Another One Bites the Dust

And another one gone, and another one gone...
Queen, anyone?

Anyway, I'm referring to the completion of another of my food challenges. Today, I went to Starbucks to work on my psych notes, and I couldn't pass up a pumpkin latte! Soy milk, no whip (whipped cream on hot beverages? Ew), absolutely delicious, and fear conquered! I also got one of the "bistro boxes," and I went back for a cinnamon roll about an hour later.

I'm kind of proud about the cinnamon roll. I was nervous about it, but I told the ED voice to shut up, and I enjoyed that cinnamon roll! Next step is to make my own.

Last night for dinner, I made these veggie burgers. Even though the recipe didn't come from one of my cookbooks, I'm going to count it as September's recipe on my challenge list since September is almost over. By the way, they were super delicious! Go make them!

And on Friday, I am hopefully going to be conquering my fear of pasta by making butternut squash mac'n cheese. I drool just looking out those pictures! Half of the noodles will be subbed for cauliflower, but it's a step in the right direction :)

Fruity Pebbles Failure

My body does not like Fruity Pebbles. I had some three days in a row, and each time it felt my stomach was being jabbed with blunt knives. No thanks.

I felt bad about not being able to finish the box, like I had failed. This morning, though, I realized it's not my fault my body reacts badly to the fruity flakes. It's not a failure if I at least tried, and I'm stopping for a great reason. Who wants to eat something that makes them feel bad?

I went to the store after class today, and picked up a box of Cookie Crisp. I don't know what was in the Fruity Pebbles that my body disagreed with, but I hope it isn't in the Cookie Crisp. I am going to finish this box! I'm kind of excited about breakfast tomorrow, now. Cookies for breakfast! But, at the same time, cookies for breakfast....

Speaking of cookies, I found this today. I love Cookie Monster!
http://youtu.be/-qTIGg3I5y8

Challenge Accepted

After I made my list of food challenges, I decided I wasn't going to waste any time. I went out and bought a box of Fruity Pebbles. For me, this is a big deal. I haven't touched anything with that much sugar, artifical coloring, and BHA in a loooooooonnngggg time. I'm thinking the last time I had Fruity Pebbles was elementary school....

Anyway, I bought the box, and I thought, "This isn't going to be that hard! It's just cereal!" It wasn't that easy, though. I sprinkled about a half cup of the neon flakes onto a bowl of oatmeal (a safe food). Then, I just stared at it. You want me to put that in my mouth and swallow it? You're crazy! I hesitantly picked up a little yellow flake and put it in my mouth. Okay, I'm still alive. Let's just get the rest of the bowl over with!

I ate it, and surprisingly, I felt fine afterwards. No guilt. No disgust. Just fine. I ate it again this morning with a half cup of Kashi Puffs, and, while it was still difficult, I was able to eat the whole bowl. Now, let's just see if I can finish the box within the week!

I'm off to the fair with a friend. Deep-fried candy bar, here I come :)

Single

Yep. I'm single. I broke up with S on Friday night. I couldn't take not seeing him anymore. He was gone six weeks for trade school, I didn't get to see him the week before he left. We made plans to see each other Tuesday, but he bailed saying he was too tired from whatever he had been so busy doing earlier. So, we made plans for Friday night. I texted him that night when I got done with the school work I had to do, and guess what he said. It was his dad's birthday and eight o'clock at night was too late to hang out anyway. Yeah, maybe if you're five. I know he hangs out with his other friends later than that, so why not me???  The only time I'm available again is this next Friday, but he said he doesn't know if he'll be "blindsided" again. Blindsided? It's your dad's birthday, how is that being blindsided? You've known the man your entire life! I told him I didn't want to wait around to see if he was available anymore and said let's just break up. I try to make time in my life for him, but he can't seem to do that for me. He seemed so fine with it, while I was sitting there crying; it felt more like he broke up with me. I couldn't sleep Friday night, so I watched Psych until 5am, slept a couple hours, and then got up because I knew I had to be ready for class at 12. I was so bummed out Saturday. I ate one and a half pints of ice cream. But, at the end of the day, we somehow texted like normal; and that made me feel better about it. Apparently, he just doesn't want to deal with a relationship right now....Last time I heard that the guy had another girl within the week. Guess we'll just have to wait and see what happens.
I still feel like I love him, though....