Relapse?*

First, the good news: S and I are going to stay together when he leaves. I told him that I wasn't going to wait around until he got back to see if his feelings had changed (because I highly doubt mine will) or if he had found someone else (because, again, I highly doubt I will). I said that there was no "break" or "open" about our relationship, it's a relationship or it isn't; and when he leaves, we're either together or not together, simple as that. It took a lot of courage to get all that out, but I eventually did. One thing he was worried about was what if he wanted sex while he was gone. Compromise: he gets two free fucks before I get mad at him, and the same goes for me (but I highly doubt I'll use them [I know I sound like a broken record]).

Now the unsettling news: I think I might be relapsing. I'm not sure though, which, I know, is odd. Shouldn't I know if it's a relapse or not? Well, I don't. Maybe it is and I'm just in denial. In my last post, I said that I've been more lenient with my eating. I've been so lenient that for the past week I've been over my cals, and I've been over-eating junk-food. I justify the junk-food with the thought that I still have weight to gain, I'm still "too skinny."
Last night after dinner, I shoveled spoonfuls of soy nut butter into my mouth with the repeating soundtrack of "I'm still too skinny." About an hour and a half later, I went back into the kitchen for my night-time snack. I was going to have a couple pieces of toast (as per the meal plan), but I had the absurd thought of "no, that will be too difficult to purge back up," and I went with a container of greek yogurt instead. Immediately after I finished the yogurt, I rushed to get into the shower so I could purge. I didn't feel guilty about the gobs of soy nut butter or the yogurt; I just wanted to purge.
This reminds me of when I first started purging in the eighth grade. My thoughts were, "I don't really binge, and I only purge every once in a while, so there isn't a problem." But, it did spin out of control eventually (11th grade). I feel so adamant that there isn't a problem, but there's another layer that thinks it's just like eighth grade again.
Is this is a relapse? Will it be a problem? What should I do???

Leaps and Bounds

So, before I posted about my baby steps with eating pasta and rice. Well, I've been even more relaxed with my eating lately, which is something I couldn't have done even a month ago. I have come leaps and bounds from the girl who was once afraid to eat anything if she didn't know the calories in it.
On Sunday, I wanted a peach after my pre-planned lunch, so I ate it. My mom cut up watermelon for dinner, and I picked at the bowl the entire time I was making my pre-planned meal. I didn't try to justify the reason as "it's fruit, so it's okay." I ate what I wanted, when I wanted it, and everything was okay.
On Wednesday, I decided to finally try the chocolate bar I got back in P.A. It wasn't in my meal plan; I just really wanted it. Oh my gosh, it was delicious! Not only that, but my sister made butterbeer cupcakes (a la Harry Potter). I usually shy away from what my sister makes because it's always filled with cups of sugar and sticks of butter. I decided what the hell! Why not try one? They sounded good, and they were! I still have no idea how many calories or grams of sugar were in that cupcake, but does it really matter? It was good, I don't always indulge like that, and right now, the more calories, the better!
Yesterday, on another trip to Wal-Mart, I saw those Nestle Girl Scout candy bars from the commercials. I've been curious about if they actually taste like the Girl Scout cookies. I can tell you that Peanut Butter Creme one does! It was so good I inhaled it within seconds of getting in the car! I ignored the 13 grams of sugar, the partially hydrogenated and hydrogenated oils (aka trans fat), and just ate the freakin' candy like it was my job.
I am so proud of how far I have come. It never really feels like I'm changing--progressing--until I look at things like this, and realize that I couldn't do things like it before. I am finally getting better, and I'm not going to let anything get in my way.

Also, I have cut back on using the scale. I am now weighing myself only on Wednesday and Friday mornings. This morning I was at 91 (I'm 5'3")!!! Only 9 more pounds to go :D

Recovery Jar

Yesterday, after dinner, my family and I went out for fro yo. My dad suggested it while we were eating dinner. Now, before I would have said, "Hell no!" But yesterday, even though I was stuffed from dinner, I said yes. I had to prove to them and to myself that even though fro yo would not fit into my cals, I would eat it anyway and all would be fine.
I was a bit apprehensive on the way there; I just wanted to get there and get it over with. When we did finally arrive, I over-filled my bowl and poured on the chocolatey toppings. I ate it all and I felt terrible afterwards. I beat myself up all the way home, and then called the shower in case I wanted to purge. I haven't tried purging in months. I've wanted to, but I have always been able to stop myself. Last night, I got this stupid idea in my head to see if I still "had it in me." I did; my body knew just what to do. Thankfully, I was able to stop after getting only a bit up. I wanted to keep going, though. It felt so right...but I know that it's wrong.
Today, I filled a mason jar with index cards that I cut in half. I wrote inspirational quotes and random things like "You are stronger than your ED." Next time I want to purge or restrict or beat myself up about food/my body, I'm going to pull out a card and use it to help me think twice.

My attempt at being crafty

(Those little speckles are glitter)

If anyone wants me to, I can put up a list of things I wrote on the cards :)

Drowning in a Sea of "Maybe"s

I'm at a crossroads right now.
S and I went out yesterday and got some froyo, despite him being uncertain about it; but he came around. Then we went over to his house and hung out in the basement. We talked. That's it (well except for him playing guitar and singing a bit) and it was wonderful. I'm so glad I'm with a guy who is fine with just talking.
One subject that came up made me a bit uncomfortable: what we would do when he goes away in two weeks. He's only going to be gone for six weeks, but he doesn't know what he'll be doing after that. And a lot can change in six weeks. He suggested an open relationship. Basically, if one of us gets with another person it's supposed to be okay; and if we grow apart, that's supposed to be okay, too. But, I like him a lot. I don't want anything to get in the way of us. The thought of him being with another girl, even just kissing another girl, makes me extremely uncomfortable. I know I won't pursue anyone else while he's gone. I don't want to be with anyone else right now, and I'd feel so dirty if I did something with another person. He's just so amazing that I'm afraid to lose him, afraid he'll find someone else while he's gone, afraid he won't come back, afraid he'll lose interest in me. I don't know where he stands in relation to us. I don't want to come across as clingy or desperate....
This is just a long and uncomfortable talk waiting to happen. I have two weeks to figure out what I want to do (as he's on board with really anything). It keeps pushing into my thoughts, and I just wish we could have this talk now and get it over with.
I don't know what to do...

Goodbye...*

...to my hip bones.
That's right, they are practically gone. All I have left are two little bumps where there once were lovely protruding hip bones. I hate it. It means I'm gaining weight. It means my body is getting better.
It scares me. If my body is getting better, I don't want to go back to ruining it. But now I feel like I don't have anything to fall back on. I don't have a purpose. Before, my ED had total control; it was all I thought about. It gave me a goal. It gave me something to occupy my time and my thoughts. The farther away from the ED I am, the more I feel like a fish out of water. I don't have the "safety" of the water anymore, and I'm being forced to look at the world with new eyes.
If I'm getting better, then who am I? I can't be my ED anymore. If I'm getting better, then what's my purpose now? Obviously, I'm trying to recover; but that doesn't give me as much of a purpose as my ED did. If I'm getting better, I'm changing the way I think about things and how I look at things. Change is uncomfortable.
Yesterday, I thought my body looked terrible. I mean, how can a girl look good without her hipbones showing? Today, I can't believe I even thought that. I look so much healthier now. I'm no longer a sickly-looking skeleton, and I am so proud of how far I have come. I do have slip-ups, but I haven't had a relapse yet. Sure, I'm only three months in, but I'm positive that I can make it three more months (and then three more after that). And, eventually, I will find my way; it'll just take some time.

Workouts:
Monday: SSU Workout 4, 10 min HIIT, and the bedtime ab burner
Tuesday: Since I don't have access to an elliptical, I did the V-day Booty Blast
Wednesday: Short walk
Thursday: Nothing (car trip)
Friday: I knew that if I worked out, I'd be straining my legs. I respected my body, and had another rest day.
Saturday: 30 min power yoga (felt sooooo good this morning!)

And despite my fear of gaining weight on the trip, I only gained a 1/2 pound. I guess I can eat more than I thought :/

Baby Steps

Because of the trip, I've eaten a few more frozen meals than normal. Since the food my gran and pap have that I'll eat is limited, I've relied on them when I can't think of anything else to do with quinoa, peanut butter, or bread. Normally, I'll have a frozen meal once every couple months if I absolutely  cannot think of anything to make or if everybody else at the house is doing it (who wants to cook when they see other people just zapping food in a microwave?).
When my mom, gran, and I went on the initial shopping trip, my anxiety was over the moon and I didn't pay much attention to the frozen meals that I tossed into the cart; I just wanted to get them and get out. I grabbed Amy's Roasted Vegetable Lasagna, Amy's Light and Lean Soft Taco Fiesta Bowl, and Amy's Light and Lean Black Bean and Cheese Enchilada.
Somehow, the fact that lasagna contains noodles completely escaped me until I sat down to eat it. And if I had taken the time to read what was in the fiesta bowl and enchilada meals, I would have seen that they both contain rice. I haven't had pasta or rice in almost a year. I'm terrified of eating pasta and rice. So. Many. Carbs.
Well, I wasn't going to just toss out the lasagna because of a silly thing like noodles and breadcrumb topping. So I ate it. And I didn't feel guilty at all. I did feel extremely full, but that's it.
It was the same with the other meals. I didn't know there was rice in them, but once I found out, it was already too late. I ate the rice. All of it. And you know what? It didn't kill me. I didn't gain ten pounds overnight because of it. I had no reason to be afraid.
Am I going to start eating noodles and rice on a regular basis? No. Eating them in the frozen meals felt kind of safe because it was already pre-portioned. I will try to make them when I get back home and slowly incorporate them back into my diet because there is no reaosn for me to be afraid of eating carbs.
Speaking of home, we leave on Thursday!!!! I just have to make it through the rest of today and tomorrow!

And happy Independence Day, America!