A Few Faves

This week has been pretty much blah. Aside from a melt down on Sunday that almost got me sent home early (I wish I had taken that oppurtunity!), there's been a lot of nothing going on. So, I thought I would post about some things that I'm loving right now :)
In no particular order:

1. Chocolate Good 'n Natural bars
While the cranberry almond is good, and the peanut butter is okay, the chocolate is out of this world! The other day at Sam's Club, I got a major chocolate craving. When I went to get Larabars, I saw the box of Good 'n Natural bars; and I thought the chocolate one might just kill my craving, and it would be healthier than a chocolate bar. What's so awesome about it:

• I can pronounce all the ingredients
• 10g of protein per bar (for all the flavors)
• Only 9g of sugar (I think that's really good for 230 cals)
• Not too sweet
• The perfect amount of chocolate flavor
• Kills a chocolate craving

2. Peanut Butter Strawberry Luna Fiber bar
I bought these on a whim at Target before we left for our trip. I love the regular Luna bars, so I figured why not? I haven't tried the other two flavors, but I hope to soon!

• While the ingredient list is long, it's still not too funky
• Mostly organic ingredients
• 7g of fiber per bar
• Only 120 calories
• Like eating a chewy peanut butter cookie
• Slight hint of strawberry (imo they should take the strawberry out; it's barely there)
• Good as a dessert

3. PB&Co The Heat is On Peanut Butter
My mom found this and thought I would like it because I love the other PB&Co peanut butters that I've tried (okay, except the white chocolate--that one's just okay) and I LOVE anything spicy.

• Unique
• Super spicy
• Nice background peanutty taste
• Great on a sandwich (with Tofurky, spinach, and just a bit of mustard=yuuuuummm)
• Even better on a veggie burger
• It's funny if you give it to your mom and watch her freak out because she didn't think it would be that hot ;)

Workouts
Monday: I don't remember XD
Tuesday: Summer Shape-Up Workout 3 x2 (which gave me achy arms on Wednesday)
Wednesday: 35 minutes of power yoga (first time I have ever sweated doing yoga) and the Bedtime Ab Burner
Thursday: Ran .90 of a mile in 9 something minutes (I thought the road I took was longer...oh well) and did a bit of jump roping
Friday: Nothing, I was feeling lazy :)
Saturday: Shot some hoops with my cousins and ran around with the kids


My graduation party today was pretty fun. I mostly hung around with the kids, as per usual (no I'm not a creepy pedophile, I just get along better with them than boring adults). I ended up eating two cupcakes (not at the same time) despite firmly stating beforehand that I wasn't going to even touch them. I had a bit of guilt after I finished each one, but I'm proud to say I was able to brush it off and say whatever. A treat every now and then never hurt anybody :)

Week Recap*

I hate to start a post sounding pessimistic, but I don't know how I'm going to make it two weeks here. We have been coming here almost every summer since before I can even remember, usually two weeks, sometimes less. I always looked forward to it as a change of scenery and circumstances and because I got to catch up with my relatives. There was, of course, a slight sense of dread. Sleeping on the floor in the basement, no air conditioning, so many people in a small house, not being able to watch what I want on TV (if they even let me watch it). This summer I was filled with only dread. I thought I'd try to make the best of it and that I would be strong enough to deal with my ED.
"Making the best of it" totally fell off the wagon at minute one. I probably came across as a shy little kitten, which I know isn't how I normally am when we're here. After unpacking, we took a trip to the grocery store to stock up on things that I could eat. Anxiety was like a heavy blanket, and it's never been that bad on a grocery trip before. They didn't have a lot of my familiar brands and food that I was comfortable with. Add to that the unfamiliar grocery store and the fact that I'm out of my "safe zone" (my house), and you have a mess. I tried to stay strong, I really did. I held up all day, even though all I wanted to do was fall apart and bawl my eyes out.
Yesterday was a bit better. I got to go for a run, which felt AMAZING; the temperature was cooler; I had some familiar foods; I sat on the back patio and watched the trees wave in the breeze. But, I still didn't want to eat. I had to force myself to eat at every meal and snack time. I hate doing that, but I know it's what's best for me. While I was reading on the patio, my gran walked up to the screen door and said, "How you been doing with your eating? I don't know when you eat and what not." Just wtf??? I know she knows about my eating problems (exactly what and how much, I have no clue), but that threw me off guard. I don't want her to worry about my food intake. I don't want to talk to her about it. I don't even really want her to know. I should have known my mom would end up telling her, though.
Anyways, today was....interesting. My mom, sister, and I went to Wegman's for the first time. I started out okay, and then my anxiety kept getting worse until I thought I was going to start crying right there in the International Foods aisle. This isn't normal. I'm usually only like this at grocery stores when they don't have one of my safe foods,  and we only went there to check it out. After Wegman's, we went to Barnes&Noble. I got a book called "Comeback Love" by Peter Golden. I hope it's as good as it looks!
My three younger cousins (14, 13, and 10) came over after lunch. I raced around the house with M a few times, my sister once, and L a couple more times. We didn't know what else to do, so we walked to the corner store to get candy (which I didn't get any of). Then, we got back, and sat on the back patio. Then, we sat in the grass. Then, we got a bright red ball and attempted to play soccer (the ball was super bouncy). More running. I could feel my legs straining and aching, but I kept going until I finally couldn't take it any longer. Now, it hurts to move my leg even an inch. I can't wait to see how they feel tomorrow!
Workouts:
Monday: Summer Shape-Up Workout 2 x2 and lots of pain
Tuesday: Crunch Cardio Dance DVD and my bum muscles were still hurting
Wednesday: 20 minutes of yoga and still in pain
Thursday: Nothing; pain mostly gone, it was just tight
Friday: 1 mile walk/run (~12 minutes),Workout 2, and 30 minute walk
Wow, that is a lot of words. From now on, I'm going to try to find the best in each day and try not to let my anxiety get to me. And hopefully, eating will be easier tomorrow.

Chocolate Cheesecake Spread

First of all, I apologize for the last post. It was posted out of frustration and guilt. While I am ashamed and embarrassed by the post, it will not be deleted because I believe that would be a denial of my feelings. As for the restricting I mentioned, I snacked on carrots all day and ended the day with a binge (I know, surprise surprise).

Anyway, on to something more tasty. I like to get creative in the kitchen, and I usually just throw some things together for my meal plan and hope it works out (thankfully, it usually does). Before I consumed the large-ish amount of sweets, part of my breakfast was a frozen waffle. For a topping, I was really only thinking of what needs to be eaten before we leave on Thursday. I need to get rid of the cream cheese, so I decided on a tablespoon of that. I want to finish the jar of chocolate peanut butter (coming home to an almost empty jar would be such a disappointment), so I added a tablespoon. I was a bit worried they wouldn't taste good together; but I mixed them together, spread it on the waffle, took a bite, and couldn't believe my taste buds! It tasted just like chocolate cheesecake! It was so good, I had it on toast this morning, and I'm having it again tomorrow for breakfast.

Chocolate Cheesecake Spread
(double for two slices of bread)

• 1 tbsp whipped cream cheese
• 1 tbsp PB&Co Dark Chocolate Dreams peanut butter

Mix and spread! You could probably use regular cream cheese, but then it wouldn't have the texture of cheesecake.

Packing tomorrow, and then a long car ride Thursday :)

The 'G' Word*

Guilt. Guilt. And more guilt.
I know it's stupid. I know it's probably irrational. I know other people would be able to move on with their day like nothing was out of the ordinary.
I'm not other people. I hate that I can't think like other people. No matter how hard I try, I always have disordered thoughts. Sure, it's not always strong. Sure, most of the time I can squash the thoughts like they're a puny ant. But, they're still there--the thoughts still creep in.
My dad came home from Japan last night, and he brought some Japanese candy for the rest of us to try. I had two purple sweet potato stick tarts, a banana stick tart, and an almond candy. After I already ate breakfast. I can't find calorie counts for any of it. I don't know how much sugar was in anything. Now, I'm worried I'll eat too many calories today. I already ate too many yesterday (I was unnaturally hungry last night).
I want to restrict. I know it's a giant step back, but one day won't hurt, right?
Don't answer that. I already know the answer, but what the hell. I'm restricting today!
(besides, I'm pretty sure I'll still be able to get enough calories)

Screaming Thighs

This was supposed to published last night, but I forgot. Just pretend the date says Saturday June 16 :)

So, I didn't realize that I was supposed to work out today until after I published yesterday's post. Oops. Well, this morning, I did 1.52 mile jog (18 minutes), and my butt and thigh muscles are screaming at me! It's okay, though; it just means I worked hard this week :)
After breakfast, my eyes just kept going to the window. The light breeze, the cool (for summer) temp, the seductive sunlight just begging me to come outside and run. I debated it with myself for probably twenty minutes (I won't be able to make it too far, I've already done enough this week/why spoil this amazing weather?, I'll feel so much happier afterwards). There really shouldn't have been any debate; once the idea for a run pops into my head, it doesn't go away until I atually go for a run. If I don't, I regret it the rest of the day.
After lunch we went for a trip to the local health food store. They have everything you could possibly imagine! Gluten-free foods, every flour imagineable, vegan "dairy" products, coconut water, kombucha, every nut butter possible, and so much more! And it's not a huge store, either. I got some snacks for the trip on Thursday, and things to eat while we're there. I think my sister was a bit out of her element there (she's more Nutella/chips/hot dogs). I just kept throwing bars into the basket, and she only got three oat cake bar things.
I got a few meal replacement bars because I just know there are going to be times when I don't want to eat. It's a change from my normal routine, so I'm going to want to retreat my "safe" place. I'm going to try as hard as I can not to, but I have the meal bars in case I do.

Summer Shape-Up: Week 1

This week I have been doing the Fitnessista's Summer Shape-Up. I have never pushed my body this hard or worked out four days in a row. It feels great, but I was bit sore during today's workout!
Along with workouts, she provides some meal ideas for the week. I didn't follow the meal-plan exactly, but it did give me some new food ideas. I made it vegetarian, used what I had on hand (for example, the avocados weren't ripe, so I used greek yogurt instead), and I had to bulk up the food to get enough calories (otherwise I'd have been 4-500 below each day).
My workouts this week:
Monday: Nothing. I thought it didn't start until Tuesday...oops...
Tuesday: Week 1 Circuit x2 and 15 minutes of HIIT (jumping jacks and high knees)
Wednesday: My mom's 3 Fast Miles DVD
Thursday: 30 minutes of power yoga
Friday: Same as Tuesday and the "Bedtime Ab Burner"
I couldn't even finish the ab burner; my belly muscles were screaming at me to stop. Normally, I'd push through the pain, but it hurt too much and felt strained. Besides, I already worked harder than ever this week ;)

On another note, I saw "Rock of Ages" with S earlier. sghszgnvdxfbg it was awesome! I highly recommend it! We sung along with the songs we knew (which was most of them). I hope the other people in the theater didn't get too annoyed....

Ritz: Open for Dizziness*

So, I know this post is a little late, but better late than never.
Sunday was amazing. I went to a private beach with S, C, and C's biker family. It was an afternoon (we got there around 1) of hot sand, cool breezes, cool/warm water, and lots of little kisses, cuddling, and just standing in the water talking. I acted shy for a while, but S really knows how to get me out of my shell.
But, as always (it seems), I managed to screw myself. Before I left the house, my "lunch" was an oatmeal raisin Luna Bar and a Gardenburger veggie patty. I only had about 600 cals before I left. At around 3, I started to feel a bit lightheaded, and I mentioned it to S. We got out of the water to see what there was to eat. Chips and Taco Bell....great....S encouraged me to eat just a few of the chips, and then we sat in the beach chairs and watched the water splash at the sand. I could still feel the emptiness in me, though. It wasn't much, but it was still there.
We went back in the water again for a bit. When we came out, I sat on his lap in a beach chair. It was then that I realized there was no way I was going to get 1600 calories for the day (I prob needed even more due to the amount of activity I did). Again, S encouraged me to eat more chips and I finished the bag. Then, we cuddled on the beach chair until it was time to go :)
We went to C's house, and we were alone for a few minutes before C and his family got there ;) Long story short, C wouldn't let us have his room, so we ended up in the shower...where I got lightheaded again. Only this time it was worse. My vision blacked out for a second and the room was all wobbly. I fell back against the side of the shower, and S held me up. He turned the water off, got out of the shower. I slid down the shower wall, sitting there, hugging my knees to my chest, shaking. S thought I should eat something, so I asked for crackers. I slowly nibbled the first Ritz. I stared at the second one, barely holding it between two fingers, like it was poisonous. I wanted it to vanish. I didn't want to eat it. S sat on the floor outside of the shower, talking to me, trying to get me to eat. It was then that I said words I never thought I'd say: "I like feeling empty." I said it so calmly. I was in the cold, hard grasp of the anorexic mind--all because I let the "anorexic high" get too bad.
I struggled through five Ritz crackers, reverting back to my old habit of breaking the food into smaller bits before I eat it. That took me an hour. An hour. It didn't feel like that long. It felt more like time had stopped. It had run away with my right mind.
I stood up, still lightheaded, but refusing to admit it. We talked, then tried to pick up where we left off. More lightheadedness. S made me eat some more crackers. Still lightheaded, not as bad, but still not admitting it.
We talked some more, and then it was time for me to go home. Thanks to S, I was able to bounce back, and didn't wallow in my slip-up.
I'm really lucky he was there. I don't even want to think about what would have happened if he wasn't. I've been doing fine since then, with only a minor pb/sunbutter binge earlier today. I'm not going to let myself feel the "anorexic high" anymore. I will do all I can to prevent that feeling because, honestly, I like it too much.

Revelation*

I just finished reading this article about orthorexia, and it also talks about orthorexia's link to other eating disorders. This line really clicked with me:

 "In fact, orthorexia may in some cases serve to disguise anorexia."

That was me. I was already a vegetarian for moral reasons, and then I slowly started cutting out different foods. No pasta, rice, limited bread (because of all the carbs); nothing with man-made chemicals or artificial anything (because it would harm me); no fast food or eating out (who knows what happened to the food before it got to me, and just smelling fast food made me feel like I was going to gain ten pounds); I was very strict with desserts (because of a slight fear of too much sugar).
I also cut calories, but I told myself that it was okay because I was eating good-quality foods.

"...orthorexics...fixate on the quality (as opposed to quantity) of food."

I didn't even realize what I was doing. I didn't learn about orthorexia until after I had started recovery, but now I see that it describes me perfectly.
I think I still am orthorexic, but it's just changed. And again, I keep telling myself it's okay because I get enough calories now, and I've added more things back into my diet. It's not okay though. Not if I really want to recovery, which I do.
I'm okay with bread now and I eat quinoa, but I'm still terrified of pasta and rice. I cringe at the thought of eating anything overly-processed and pumped with artificial crap, but I don't beat myself up if I have a small bite every once in a while. I have let myself eat out a couple of times, and I enjoy it, but you won't catch me at Burger King anytime soon.
The big problem is that, while I don't limit calories anymore, I do limit carbs, sugars, and fat. I track my meals on MyFitnessPal, and it tells me how many grams of each I should be eating. Going over on sugar doesn't bother too much anymore, as long as it's mostly naturally-occurring sugars. Going over on carbs freaks me out, and I have to adjust my meal-plan to make sure I stay below the recommended amount. I'm slowly becoming okay with eating more fat, but I still try to avoid going over what's recommended.
Bulimic to orthorexic to anorexic and back to orthorexic. I am not getting better. I'm getting worse in a different way. Now that I've realized this, I know what I should focus more on in recovery.
I should be thinking, "So what if I eat too many carbs?" "Oh, I ate too much sugar. Oh well, at least I enjoyed myself today." "I ate those Oreos, and so what if I can't pronounce half the ingredients. They were delicious."
If anyone that reads this is having their own struggles with food, I wish you the best in recovery. And I'm always open to talk :)

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly*

Good: This morning was amazing. I was up until four texting S, woke up at seven, ate my banana overnight oats, and got ready to workout. I did Kenpo X and it felt AMAZING! I can now hold my leg straight in the air when I'm on my back (sure, my leg shakes like crazy, but I can still do it). For the first time, my stomach and the backs of my thighs got cold when I was working out! That means my body was in fat-burning mode! And I wasn't even tired when I finished, even though I only had three hours of sleep :)

Bad: The post-workout grocery shopping trip started off normal, but I completely freaked when McKay's didn't have either of the breads that I usually eat (hey, I never said I was fully recovered). I looked from ingredient list to ingredient list and cringed at all the additives and man-made chemicals. The bread I do eat isn't much better, but that is just a compromise I have to make.
After that, I could only see the bad in any of the foods my mom put into the cart. Let the critisizing commence! Which led to argueing and crying...yeah...

Ugly: Well, it's not physically ugly. It's just an ugly situation. First off, I have a difficult time accepting and expressing my emotions. S is so sweet to me and he treats me like any girlfriend would hope to be treated. He knows about my eating problems, and he's even talked me out of a couple purges. It scares me. I know I should be happy and accept it, but I just can't. I'm fighting with the thoughts telling me  to run away and hide. It's difficult to accept that someone likes me despite my faults. I can't even accept my faults. I don't know what I should do: fight instinct or give in and crawl into my safe little shell?

Hello, No One

I'm not going to lie; I don't actually expect anyone to read this. I just need a place to record my thoughts and I find writing in a journal difficult to keep up with. Hopefully, this will be different.

I am trying to get healthy in all aspects of my life. I have not actually been diagnosed with an eating disorder, but I have been struggling with disordered eating for a while. I started my journey to get better the day before spring break (the last day of February, I think) when I was at my lowest weight and terrified of going any lower. Now, I'm trying to change my way of thinking and seeing the world, and I'm trying to get comfortable with "normal" eating again.

I am going to get better. I will have my slip-ups (in fact I just binged about an hour ago), but I know I've already come a long way. I am going to hold myself responsible and I will not go back to that miserable void of disordered eating.