No More Noodles

Everything has been going pretty great around here!

1. It's akward typing this after my last post.... S and I are back together. He lied about why he wanted to break up because of his fear of commitment. I'm glad he was (eventually) honest about that, and there's something about him.... I don't know.... I have such a connection with him...

2. My sister is home from her college for Thanksgiving break, and it's so awesome seeing her again! It does suck that I have to share the bathroom again, though.

3. I gave my presentation on the symptoms/treatment of schizophrenia today in psychology. A person that went before talked a bit about it in her presentation of mind disorders, which made me kinda apprehensive about mine. Her info didn't even match mine!
I went up like it was no biggie, and gave my presentation like a pro. My voice shook at first, but I controlled it, and it went away :)

4. Last night, I told my mom about the struggles I had this week. (I purged Saturday and Wednesday, and attempted to on Tuesday.) I told her that I REALLY need help. As in, no more saying I need it and doing nothing about it. She's trying to understand and be supportive. While it doesn't come across that way all the time, I know she means well and that means a lot.

5. I have had Amy's mac&cheese twice! Gluten free the first time on October 22nd. I figured eating gluten free noddles would make it easier. I did have anxiety, but it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. The taste helped; that's some good mac&cheese.
The second time was regular mac&cheese on Halloween, and I went to Starbucks later in the day, so that's a big deal! I didn't like it as much. The cheese tasted the same, but I don't think I like noodles.

6. I had Annie's Spirals with Butter & Parmesan for dinner tonight to finally decide if I like noodles or not. Maybe I didn't like the other ones since they were frozen and then microwaved?
Again, the cheese was good. No such luck with the noodles. I pretty much forced myself to eat it because I made it.
The good news is that I no longer have anxiety with eating noodles! I just don't like them anymore :)

7. I bought a pack of GF bagels (the only kind I've found that doesn't have mystery ingredients) a couple weeks ago! They aren't like "regular" bagels, but they were good. It was definitely still a challenge! By the time I finished half of the first one, my anxiety was gone. I didn't have any with cream cheese (none in the house), but I think it still counts for my Challenge list.
Next step, a "regular" bagel!

Christmas shopping, froyo, and Rise of the Guardians with my sis this week! I can't wait!

A New Journey

S broke up with my Wednesday night. Apparently, I'm too flawed for him (even though he told me before he accepted my flaws [and I did the same for him]). He also says he has issues with commitment. So do I, but I was pushing through those issues for him, for us. And he "needs to be single right now," "we're still young," and more along those lines. I could write out the long list of counters those (and I did tell him some), but there's no point now. I'm sorry to say that I sounded a bit desperate in trying to get him not to break up with me. In the end, though, it was futile.

I was wallowing from that point to earlier today. Yesterday, I almost didn't eat, but I knew that was a bad idea. I don't want to get caught up in that cycle again. My lunch was a pint of Cheesecake Brownie Ben & Jerry's, a good way to cure an aching heart.

Earlier at Starbucks, I realized something. Letting this get me down isn't going to get me anywhere. If I do that, it means he has control over me; and I'd be letting my ED have control over me, too. I felt empty and alone; unfortunetly, he was my tie to the world. I didn't realize he was until after I didn't have him.

In a way, it's a good thing we're over. I have to learn to stand on my own sometime and the sooner the better. I am going to make myself into a strong, independent woman. I am single. I am going to embrace that. I am going to throw myself into my schoolwork (bonus: better grades). I am going to try to interact more with others and put myself out there more (bonus: hopefully I'll be able to get some real friends). I am going to challenge myself more with my ED and deal with my problems instead of just talking about how I need to deal with them (bonus: less likely to relapse or slip-up).

This is the beginning of my new journey as a strong, independent, single woman. No one is going to stand in my way and no one is going to get me down.

Cupcake #1 and Confidence

I have wanted to write all week! Between writing two papers, taking notes from my textbooks, doing a project and having a fun day with S after it all I've had a pretty busy week. I'm not gonna lie, I took plenty of breaks from my schoolwork; but I needed a break from the computer then, too. So, no post until today.

Last Saturday, my family I went up to Annapolis after my class. We went to the mall (it's huge!) because I need more than three pairs of pants, and I haven't been able to find anything that fits right. One pair I have now is jeggings, so they're stretchy. The other two are on the verge of being too tight.
The problem I have is this: If it fits in the thighs, it's too tight in the butt (and it won't zip). If it fits in the butt, it's way baggy in the thighs.

I tried on so many different styles from so many stores, and still nothing worked. I did find one pair that fit, but they looked like mom jeans on me.... Looks like it's going to be skirts and tights this fall and winter!

After the mall, we went to Whole Foods (of course). Hot bar for dinner, shopping, and then....a cupcake! I told myself I would do it, that I could do it. So, I don't know the cals for dinner or the cupcake; it doesn't mean I can't have a sweet! I got the caramel apple, and it was so delicious! The ED voice tried to creep in when I finished it. Yeah, not gonna happen! One cupcake is not going to hurt me :)

Now, back to the day with S that I mentioned. Wednesday, I got to see him for the first time in....I think two months? It's been a while, to say the least.

When he started undressing me, for the first time ever I didn't want to hide myself. I didn't feel the need to cover myself up or try to find the "right" way to sit so I looked "just right." I felt more confident, and it was great. Even while we were doing things, I didn't think once about covering myself up or finding the right lighting. Okay, that's a lie. There was one moment when I stopped and wrapped my arms around my body. Honestly, though, it felt a bit forced. Not completely, but I felt like it's what I should be doing. Thankfully, that shyness didn't last long!

The point is that I'm more confident then before and less self conscious. I just hadn't realized it until then. I'm also like that in other aspects of my life. I can walk around, and I don't care who looks at me or what their eyes say. I'm speaking out more, and I'm not afraid of doing it.

The world doesn't look quite so big and bad and scary anymore. I'm confident in myself. I am who I am; no one else is going to change that. I have the capabilities to do what I want (become an RD). I'm not as self conscious. I wear what I want because I want to. I speak out because I'm no longer afraid of being judged by what I say.

I love me.

A few months (maybe even weeks) ago, I never would have said that. I can now, though. And it's true.

I love me.

I hope everyone that reads this loves themselves, too. If you don't, I hope you do soon and I wish you the best :)

Cereal Success

Yeah, I like alliterations...They can make anything sound so catchy!

I finished my box of Cookie Crisp today! A day early! I was bit worried I wouldn't be able to complete the challenge because I still had about half a box left this morning.

Well, I've been snacking on it all day. Mostly while reading a book a few minutes ago ;) I was that determined to finish the box by tomorrow! Little did I know I'd actually finish today! Challenge completed.

What challenge to take on next? Hmmm.....

Hello, Old Habits*

I was on the track to getting better. At least, I thought I was. I've been happy and upbeat for weeks. I haven't felt weak. I haven't had any negative thoughts toward myself, and very little towards others (we all know how difficult it is to think positively about some people). I haven't seen exircising as a "calorie burner" in months. I've been letting myself indulge when I want to. No food is off limits.

I've been lying to myself, putting a (very thick) "happy blanket" over my problems and not dealing with them. I've been letting them manifest in silence. Sitting under that blanket, writhing, growing, slowly tearing through the blanket.

Well, today, that "blanket" was ripped to shreds. No more hiding. No more lying. No more applying cover-up and pretending the problems underneath don't exist anymore.

I have been watching my cals very closely, lately. Terrified to get even close to 1400. I pretended it wasn't a problem because I was eating more than 1200 (albeit barely most days) and letting myself indulge more than before.

The blanket shredding really started yesterday evening when I skipped dinner in favor of doing P90X. The last time I did that was the day I broke down and confessed to my mom back in April. I did eventually eat, and I consumed plenty of calories; but that doesn't erase my old habit. I may have consumed enough cals, but I still went through with an ED behavior.

Today, my gran and mom went out to go Christmas shopping, leaving me to do my schoolwork. Shortly after they left, I made my way downstairs and poked around for something to eat for lunch. I had an Amy's burrito. No problem. I felt like having a chocolate-covered banana. Why not? No problem. I wanted Oreos, but knew I wouldn't be able to stop at just one, so I had a Cookies and Cream Clif bar, thinking it would squash my cravings. Problem: it didn't. I went back to the kitchen, ate an Oreo. Then, I went back and got a coupld more. Then, some more. Hello, old(-ish) habit.

I went back upstairs, grabbed my psych book and made myself walk up and down the stairs while I  read. That only lasted a couple minutes; I couldn't take the feelings of guilt anymore. The feelings of shame. I put my book down, went into the bathroom, and tried to purge. My nails are too long, so it hurt. I didn't get much out. That meant that I had to exircise to get rid of the calories. I put on my workout clothes, popped in Plyometrics X. My legs wanted to buckle because of the workout I did yesterday. I tryed pushing through. I broke down instead. I turned off the DVD.

The thoughts going through my head now are terrible. I can't eat the rest of the day. I have to restrict the rest of the week. I have to workout harder this week. I'm such a weak fatty.

I just want to curl up into a ball until the thoughts go away. I want to let them beat me down and leave me a mess. At least then I won't be pretending anymore.

I am going to rise above this. This is just a minor setback. Nobody's perfect, especially me. I'm going to look into therapy, now. I've been afraid of asking for professional help, but today has made me realize that I need it. I can't do this alone.

Mr. Noodle

Remember him? From Elmo's World on Sesame Street? The guy with the huge mustache that never talked? No? Okay...

Well, I didn't eat him (ew), but I did eat noodles for dinner!

This was actually a challenge I was hoping to put off, but I decided to tackle it head on. Besides, my mom bought a butternut squash and didn't know what to do with it ;)

My anxiety level was so high, but the delicious cheeze sauce helped me get through it. The only way to get the sauce is to eat the noodles, so I took a deep breath and devoured the plate. Subbing half the noodles with cauliflower was a big help, too; I knew I'd be getting some veggie goodness with each spoonful :)

I am weary about eating noodles again. I want to say, "I did it. I ate noodles. Now I never have to eat them again," but I think that's giving in. Why not give it another shot? Make a different yummy sauce and go all noodles next time? I think I'll do it, just to prove to myself that I can.

On a different note! S and I are back together! He kinda came crawling back today. As long he doesn't act like he did before we broke up, I like with being with him :)

Another One Bites the Dust

And another one gone, and another one gone...
Queen, anyone?

Anyway, I'm referring to the completion of another of my food challenges. Today, I went to Starbucks to work on my psych notes, and I couldn't pass up a pumpkin latte! Soy milk, no whip (whipped cream on hot beverages? Ew), absolutely delicious, and fear conquered! I also got one of the "bistro boxes," and I went back for a cinnamon roll about an hour later.

I'm kind of proud about the cinnamon roll. I was nervous about it, but I told the ED voice to shut up, and I enjoyed that cinnamon roll! Next step is to make my own.

Last night for dinner, I made these veggie burgers. Even though the recipe didn't come from one of my cookbooks, I'm going to count it as September's recipe on my challenge list since September is almost over. By the way, they were super delicious! Go make them!

And on Friday, I am hopefully going to be conquering my fear of pasta by making butternut squash mac'n cheese. I drool just looking out those pictures! Half of the noodles will be subbed for cauliflower, but it's a step in the right direction :)

Fruity Pebbles Failure

My body does not like Fruity Pebbles. I had some three days in a row, and each time it felt my stomach was being jabbed with blunt knives. No thanks.

I felt bad about not being able to finish the box, like I had failed. This morning, though, I realized it's not my fault my body reacts badly to the fruity flakes. It's not a failure if I at least tried, and I'm stopping for a great reason. Who wants to eat something that makes them feel bad?

I went to the store after class today, and picked up a box of Cookie Crisp. I don't know what was in the Fruity Pebbles that my body disagreed with, but I hope it isn't in the Cookie Crisp. I am going to finish this box! I'm kind of excited about breakfast tomorrow, now. Cookies for breakfast! But, at the same time, cookies for breakfast....

Speaking of cookies, I found this today. I love Cookie Monster!
http://youtu.be/-qTIGg3I5y8

Challenge Accepted

After I made my list of food challenges, I decided I wasn't going to waste any time. I went out and bought a box of Fruity Pebbles. For me, this is a big deal. I haven't touched anything with that much sugar, artifical coloring, and BHA in a loooooooonnngggg time. I'm thinking the last time I had Fruity Pebbles was elementary school....

Anyway, I bought the box, and I thought, "This isn't going to be that hard! It's just cereal!" It wasn't that easy, though. I sprinkled about a half cup of the neon flakes onto a bowl of oatmeal (a safe food). Then, I just stared at it. You want me to put that in my mouth and swallow it? You're crazy! I hesitantly picked up a little yellow flake and put it in my mouth. Okay, I'm still alive. Let's just get the rest of the bowl over with!

I ate it, and surprisingly, I felt fine afterwards. No guilt. No disgust. Just fine. I ate it again this morning with a half cup of Kashi Puffs, and, while it was still difficult, I was able to eat the whole bowl. Now, let's just see if I can finish the box within the week!

I'm off to the fair with a friend. Deep-fried candy bar, here I come :)

Single

Yep. I'm single. I broke up with S on Friday night. I couldn't take not seeing him anymore. He was gone six weeks for trade school, I didn't get to see him the week before he left. We made plans to see each other Tuesday, but he bailed saying he was too tired from whatever he had been so busy doing earlier. So, we made plans for Friday night. I texted him that night when I got done with the school work I had to do, and guess what he said. It was his dad's birthday and eight o'clock at night was too late to hang out anyway. Yeah, maybe if you're five. I know he hangs out with his other friends later than that, so why not me???  The only time I'm available again is this next Friday, but he said he doesn't know if he'll be "blindsided" again. Blindsided? It's your dad's birthday, how is that being blindsided? You've known the man your entire life! I told him I didn't want to wait around to see if he was available anymore and said let's just break up. I try to make time in my life for him, but he can't seem to do that for me. He seemed so fine with it, while I was sitting there crying; it felt more like he broke up with me. I couldn't sleep Friday night, so I watched Psych until 5am, slept a couple hours, and then got up because I knew I had to be ready for class at 12. I was so bummed out Saturday. I ate one and a half pints of ice cream. But, at the end of the day, we somehow texted like normal; and that made me feel better about it. Apparently, he just doesn't want to deal with a relationship right now....Last time I heard that the guy had another girl within the week. Guess we'll just have to wait and see what happens.
I still feel like I love him, though....

Stuck*

Today is my first full day back from two weeks in the hell house. It was hard enough when my sister was there, but she left after week one and I had to deal with the dogs by myself for the last week. There were binges practically every day, and a lot of sun/peanut butter was eaten. Last Sunday, my first full day by myself, I broke. My mom came over for dinner, and it felt like she was mocking me. She could come and go as she pleased, but no matter I would always have to go back to that house and that psycho dog. I contained myself as best I could while she was there, but I did snap at her a lot and didn't make any effort to conceal my distress. Not long after she left, I binged. It wasn't much, but it did trigger a purge. I purged a bit, and then I broke down into uncontrollable crying. I knew being by myself that night, at that house, wasn't a going to be a good thing. I was afraid of myself. I called my mom and tried to convince her, through my painful sobbing, to come and get me. I ended up spending that night at my house, and my mom spent the night with the dogs I was supposed to be watching. I cried myself to sleep that week, all except Thursday and Friday nights. Thursday I spent the night at my house again, and Friday I felt more refreshed and knowing that it was my last night there helped, too.
That pretty much sums it all up to this point. My problem now is that I want to restrict again. I short-changed my meal plan Thursday, yesterday, and today. I'm starting to feel that niggling little fear of going over 1300 cals. I keep telling myself that it's not a problem, I'm eating enough and it's better than bingeing (right?).
Problem: Last Saturday, I weighed myself when we were over. 96.2. Not very accurate considering I had already been eating and drinking by then. However, based off of that, I could assume that if I had weighed that morning I would be at or a bit above 95. Okay, I was fine with that. I weighed myself Monday morning (since I had spent the night Sunday). 95.4. Fine, okay, whatever. I weighed myself this morning. 94.4. I went down. I like it and it scares me at the same time, just like before. I'm worried I'm going to start that cycle again. (I lost a couple ounces. No prob, I just won't lose anymore. Oops, lost a couple more. Freak out a bit. Get used to it. Oops I lost a couple ounces. No prob, I just won't lose anymore. And on and on and on.)
I'm so stuck right now. I've been in this state of not wanting to gain for about a month now, I think. Now, I've gained and then dropped. Do I go back to gaining? Do I try to maintain here? Do I pretend like the cycle isn't about to start again (if it hasn't already started)?
I'm stuck. I'm "between a rock and a hard place." Now how do I get out....?

Fall Semester 2012

I am officially signed up for my first semester of classes! My original plan (as of Tuesday at orientation) was The Information Age (computers), Intro to Sociology, Intro to Interpersonal Communication, and a math course. Last night, I thought about my classes and the path I was taking, and it made me a bit uncomfortable. So, this morning, I dropped sociology and communication in favor of General Psychology and Nutrition and Weight Management. I figure it covers both of the paths I'm trying to decide between: psychologist for disordered behaviors (general psych) and registered dietitian (nutrition/weight management).
I took my math placement test today, and although I didn't think I did very well (66), the advisor said it was one of the better scores and told me what math I should sign up for. Yay! Now to register for math and I'll be done! Not. Turns out the math she recommended me for is only available at another campus, and I am not going to drive a couple hours away for twice a week, every week. Without any other idea of what to take in place of it, I signed back up for Intro to Sociology!
I hope I can keep my classes up and don't break under pressure like I almost did for English last year (I did Dual Enrollment).

Hunger*

My hunger cues are coming back! Earlier today, at about 3:30, I noticed I was starting to feel hungry. That hasn't happened in almost a year I think. Normally, if I skip an eating time (since I eat by the clock), I get dizzy and lightheaded and it feels like there's air in my wrists and lower legs instead of blood. I hadn't skipped my afternoon snack, so it was a bit odd to feel hunger that early. Oh well. All that matters is that I was able to recognize hunger before I got to the "starving high" stage :)

Also, I have decided that I am going to maintain my weight. I decided this at 93 (I'm 5'3"), but ended up gaining another pound from fro yo and IHOP on Friday and Saturday. The reasoning is that I feel like I'm going to shut down and relapse if I gain any more. At the time I made the decision, I failed to recall that 93 is the weight I was at when I really felt myself losing control of myself (if that makes sense?). Now I'm thinking that the idea behind my choice is a result of subconciously realizing that fact, but only realizing it consciously after my feet were firmly planted in the "maintain" state of mind. No matter the reasons, I am working on maintaining now. If I gain, that's okay, but I'm not going to be actively trying to gain anymore. It's too much stress and struggle and has led to binges. If I lose weight...well, let's just hope that doesn't happen....

Annapolis Adventures and Love

I can't believe it's taken me a week to write about my Saturday. I keep thinking that I'm going to type up a post, but tumblr always sucks me in. Yeah, unfortunetly I'm one of those tumblr addicts...

Anyway. Saturday. The family and I went up to Annapolis with plans to see Ice Age 3 in a not sucky theater and take a trip to a Whole Foods (my favorite store!). My dad said we were going to leave at 10 (which turned into 10:30), but (as I'm always thinking about my next meal) I had to ask what we were going to do for lunch. We already had plans to have Whole Foods' hot bar for dinner, and we have never eaten out twice in one day. He looked so confused and was all "ummm...I hadn't thought about that." In the end, we decided to just eat at the mall where the theater was, and I took a giant leap out of my comfort zone. I ate sushi. Vegetarian, wanna-be vegan, me ate SUSHI! A california roll and half a spicy tuna roll to be exact. So, not only did I eat raw fish, I also ate a fear food: rice. AND on top of that, I had absolutely no idea of the cals, and I frankly didn't care. I thoroughly enjoyed my meal and the box of raisenettes I ate while watching Ice Age 3. That's right, I munched through the entire box of delicious milk chocolate coated raisins - weird ingredients, sugar, and all. Calories? What are calories? All I cared about was having a good time :)
When the movie was over, my dad asked if there was anything else we wanted to do before heading over to Whole Foods. Well, we were at a mall and so far three pairs of my shorts have decided they aren't going to fit anymore... I mentioned this and off we went in search of shorts! Sears was a bust, but at Forever21 I got a super-cute dress, two pairs of shorts with some growing room, a thin sweater for when it gets cooler, and a pin-stripe blazer (I've always wanted one!).
At Whole Foods, I didn't get any anxiety even though I ate terribly beforehand. When it came time to get dinner, I piled up half my carton with lettuce, buckwheat, and wheatberries, and then I filled the other half with random, calorie-filled foods. And I ate it all! No guilt, no thoughts of purging.
After my shower on Saturday, the snack-monster hit me hard. I wanted something to eat, but wasn't sure if I was hungry. I went back to the kitchen for something to eat a few times; it felt like the more I ate, the hungrier I was. Despite the extra food on top of an indulgent day, I didn't have any guilt, and I didn't want to purge.

Monday at a bit after midnight, S texted me. We had just said good night, so I wasn't expecting another text. He asked when we were going to start saying, "I love you." My reply was when both of us mean it so much it's hard not to say it. Then I asked him if thought he loved me. He replied, "I think I do yea." So I asked him if he meant it "so much that it's hard not to say it? That it feels like your heart melts when you think of me? That you smile at even the simplest text just because it's from me? That you're willing to put up with all my problems? That the thought of losing me makes you want to shove your face into a gallon of ice cream?" "Yes to all." He hadn't said it though because he was worried I'd get "cold feet." My reply to that was simply, "I love you."

Relapse?*

First, the good news: S and I are going to stay together when he leaves. I told him that I wasn't going to wait around until he got back to see if his feelings had changed (because I highly doubt mine will) or if he had found someone else (because, again, I highly doubt I will). I said that there was no "break" or "open" about our relationship, it's a relationship or it isn't; and when he leaves, we're either together or not together, simple as that. It took a lot of courage to get all that out, but I eventually did. One thing he was worried about was what if he wanted sex while he was gone. Compromise: he gets two free fucks before I get mad at him, and the same goes for me (but I highly doubt I'll use them [I know I sound like a broken record]).

Now the unsettling news: I think I might be relapsing. I'm not sure though, which, I know, is odd. Shouldn't I know if it's a relapse or not? Well, I don't. Maybe it is and I'm just in denial. In my last post, I said that I've been more lenient with my eating. I've been so lenient that for the past week I've been over my cals, and I've been over-eating junk-food. I justify the junk-food with the thought that I still have weight to gain, I'm still "too skinny."
Last night after dinner, I shoveled spoonfuls of soy nut butter into my mouth with the repeating soundtrack of "I'm still too skinny." About an hour and a half later, I went back into the kitchen for my night-time snack. I was going to have a couple pieces of toast (as per the meal plan), but I had the absurd thought of "no, that will be too difficult to purge back up," and I went with a container of greek yogurt instead. Immediately after I finished the yogurt, I rushed to get into the shower so I could purge. I didn't feel guilty about the gobs of soy nut butter or the yogurt; I just wanted to purge.
This reminds me of when I first started purging in the eighth grade. My thoughts were, "I don't really binge, and I only purge every once in a while, so there isn't a problem." But, it did spin out of control eventually (11th grade). I feel so adamant that there isn't a problem, but there's another layer that thinks it's just like eighth grade again.
Is this is a relapse? Will it be a problem? What should I do???

Leaps and Bounds

So, before I posted about my baby steps with eating pasta and rice. Well, I've been even more relaxed with my eating lately, which is something I couldn't have done even a month ago. I have come leaps and bounds from the girl who was once afraid to eat anything if she didn't know the calories in it.
On Sunday, I wanted a peach after my pre-planned lunch, so I ate it. My mom cut up watermelon for dinner, and I picked at the bowl the entire time I was making my pre-planned meal. I didn't try to justify the reason as "it's fruit, so it's okay." I ate what I wanted, when I wanted it, and everything was okay.
On Wednesday, I decided to finally try the chocolate bar I got back in P.A. It wasn't in my meal plan; I just really wanted it. Oh my gosh, it was delicious! Not only that, but my sister made butterbeer cupcakes (a la Harry Potter). I usually shy away from what my sister makes because it's always filled with cups of sugar and sticks of butter. I decided what the hell! Why not try one? They sounded good, and they were! I still have no idea how many calories or grams of sugar were in that cupcake, but does it really matter? It was good, I don't always indulge like that, and right now, the more calories, the better!
Yesterday, on another trip to Wal-Mart, I saw those Nestle Girl Scout candy bars from the commercials. I've been curious about if they actually taste like the Girl Scout cookies. I can tell you that Peanut Butter Creme one does! It was so good I inhaled it within seconds of getting in the car! I ignored the 13 grams of sugar, the partially hydrogenated and hydrogenated oils (aka trans fat), and just ate the freakin' candy like it was my job.
I am so proud of how far I have come. It never really feels like I'm changing--progressing--until I look at things like this, and realize that I couldn't do things like it before. I am finally getting better, and I'm not going to let anything get in my way.

Also, I have cut back on using the scale. I am now weighing myself only on Wednesday and Friday mornings. This morning I was at 91 (I'm 5'3")!!! Only 9 more pounds to go :D

Recovery Jar

Yesterday, after dinner, my family and I went out for fro yo. My dad suggested it while we were eating dinner. Now, before I would have said, "Hell no!" But yesterday, even though I was stuffed from dinner, I said yes. I had to prove to them and to myself that even though fro yo would not fit into my cals, I would eat it anyway and all would be fine.
I was a bit apprehensive on the way there; I just wanted to get there and get it over with. When we did finally arrive, I over-filled my bowl and poured on the chocolatey toppings. I ate it all and I felt terrible afterwards. I beat myself up all the way home, and then called the shower in case I wanted to purge. I haven't tried purging in months. I've wanted to, but I have always been able to stop myself. Last night, I got this stupid idea in my head to see if I still "had it in me." I did; my body knew just what to do. Thankfully, I was able to stop after getting only a bit up. I wanted to keep going, though. It felt so right...but I know that it's wrong.
Today, I filled a mason jar with index cards that I cut in half. I wrote inspirational quotes and random things like "You are stronger than your ED." Next time I want to purge or restrict or beat myself up about food/my body, I'm going to pull out a card and use it to help me think twice.

My attempt at being crafty

(Those little speckles are glitter)

If anyone wants me to, I can put up a list of things I wrote on the cards :)

Drowning in a Sea of "Maybe"s

I'm at a crossroads right now.
S and I went out yesterday and got some froyo, despite him being uncertain about it; but he came around. Then we went over to his house and hung out in the basement. We talked. That's it (well except for him playing guitar and singing a bit) and it was wonderful. I'm so glad I'm with a guy who is fine with just talking.
One subject that came up made me a bit uncomfortable: what we would do when he goes away in two weeks. He's only going to be gone for six weeks, but he doesn't know what he'll be doing after that. And a lot can change in six weeks. He suggested an open relationship. Basically, if one of us gets with another person it's supposed to be okay; and if we grow apart, that's supposed to be okay, too. But, I like him a lot. I don't want anything to get in the way of us. The thought of him being with another girl, even just kissing another girl, makes me extremely uncomfortable. I know I won't pursue anyone else while he's gone. I don't want to be with anyone else right now, and I'd feel so dirty if I did something with another person. He's just so amazing that I'm afraid to lose him, afraid he'll find someone else while he's gone, afraid he won't come back, afraid he'll lose interest in me. I don't know where he stands in relation to us. I don't want to come across as clingy or desperate....
This is just a long and uncomfortable talk waiting to happen. I have two weeks to figure out what I want to do (as he's on board with really anything). It keeps pushing into my thoughts, and I just wish we could have this talk now and get it over with.
I don't know what to do...

Goodbye...*

...to my hip bones.
That's right, they are practically gone. All I have left are two little bumps where there once were lovely protruding hip bones. I hate it. It means I'm gaining weight. It means my body is getting better.
It scares me. If my body is getting better, I don't want to go back to ruining it. But now I feel like I don't have anything to fall back on. I don't have a purpose. Before, my ED had total control; it was all I thought about. It gave me a goal. It gave me something to occupy my time and my thoughts. The farther away from the ED I am, the more I feel like a fish out of water. I don't have the "safety" of the water anymore, and I'm being forced to look at the world with new eyes.
If I'm getting better, then who am I? I can't be my ED anymore. If I'm getting better, then what's my purpose now? Obviously, I'm trying to recover; but that doesn't give me as much of a purpose as my ED did. If I'm getting better, I'm changing the way I think about things and how I look at things. Change is uncomfortable.
Yesterday, I thought my body looked terrible. I mean, how can a girl look good without her hipbones showing? Today, I can't believe I even thought that. I look so much healthier now. I'm no longer a sickly-looking skeleton, and I am so proud of how far I have come. I do have slip-ups, but I haven't had a relapse yet. Sure, I'm only three months in, but I'm positive that I can make it three more months (and then three more after that). And, eventually, I will find my way; it'll just take some time.

Workouts:
Monday: SSU Workout 4, 10 min HIIT, and the bedtime ab burner
Tuesday: Since I don't have access to an elliptical, I did the V-day Booty Blast
Wednesday: Short walk
Thursday: Nothing (car trip)
Friday: I knew that if I worked out, I'd be straining my legs. I respected my body, and had another rest day.
Saturday: 30 min power yoga (felt sooooo good this morning!)

And despite my fear of gaining weight on the trip, I only gained a 1/2 pound. I guess I can eat more than I thought :/

Baby Steps

Because of the trip, I've eaten a few more frozen meals than normal. Since the food my gran and pap have that I'll eat is limited, I've relied on them when I can't think of anything else to do with quinoa, peanut butter, or bread. Normally, I'll have a frozen meal once every couple months if I absolutely  cannot think of anything to make or if everybody else at the house is doing it (who wants to cook when they see other people just zapping food in a microwave?).
When my mom, gran, and I went on the initial shopping trip, my anxiety was over the moon and I didn't pay much attention to the frozen meals that I tossed into the cart; I just wanted to get them and get out. I grabbed Amy's Roasted Vegetable Lasagna, Amy's Light and Lean Soft Taco Fiesta Bowl, and Amy's Light and Lean Black Bean and Cheese Enchilada.
Somehow, the fact that lasagna contains noodles completely escaped me until I sat down to eat it. And if I had taken the time to read what was in the fiesta bowl and enchilada meals, I would have seen that they both contain rice. I haven't had pasta or rice in almost a year. I'm terrified of eating pasta and rice. So. Many. Carbs.
Well, I wasn't going to just toss out the lasagna because of a silly thing like noodles and breadcrumb topping. So I ate it. And I didn't feel guilty at all. I did feel extremely full, but that's it.
It was the same with the other meals. I didn't know there was rice in them, but once I found out, it was already too late. I ate the rice. All of it. And you know what? It didn't kill me. I didn't gain ten pounds overnight because of it. I had no reason to be afraid.
Am I going to start eating noodles and rice on a regular basis? No. Eating them in the frozen meals felt kind of safe because it was already pre-portioned. I will try to make them when I get back home and slowly incorporate them back into my diet because there is no reaosn for me to be afraid of eating carbs.
Speaking of home, we leave on Thursday!!!! I just have to make it through the rest of today and tomorrow!

And happy Independence Day, America!

A Few Faves

This week has been pretty much blah. Aside from a melt down on Sunday that almost got me sent home early (I wish I had taken that oppurtunity!), there's been a lot of nothing going on. So, I thought I would post about some things that I'm loving right now :)
In no particular order:

1. Chocolate Good 'n Natural bars
While the cranberry almond is good, and the peanut butter is okay, the chocolate is out of this world! The other day at Sam's Club, I got a major chocolate craving. When I went to get Larabars, I saw the box of Good 'n Natural bars; and I thought the chocolate one might just kill my craving, and it would be healthier than a chocolate bar. What's so awesome about it:

• I can pronounce all the ingredients
• 10g of protein per bar (for all the flavors)
• Only 9g of sugar (I think that's really good for 230 cals)
• Not too sweet
• The perfect amount of chocolate flavor
• Kills a chocolate craving

2. Peanut Butter Strawberry Luna Fiber bar
I bought these on a whim at Target before we left for our trip. I love the regular Luna bars, so I figured why not? I haven't tried the other two flavors, but I hope to soon!

• While the ingredient list is long, it's still not too funky
• Mostly organic ingredients
• 7g of fiber per bar
• Only 120 calories
• Like eating a chewy peanut butter cookie
• Slight hint of strawberry (imo they should take the strawberry out; it's barely there)
• Good as a dessert

3. PB&Co The Heat is On Peanut Butter
My mom found this and thought I would like it because I love the other PB&Co peanut butters that I've tried (okay, except the white chocolate--that one's just okay) and I LOVE anything spicy.

• Unique
• Super spicy
• Nice background peanutty taste
• Great on a sandwich (with Tofurky, spinach, and just a bit of mustard=yuuuuummm)
• Even better on a veggie burger
• It's funny if you give it to your mom and watch her freak out because she didn't think it would be that hot ;)

Workouts
Monday: I don't remember XD
Tuesday: Summer Shape-Up Workout 3 x2 (which gave me achy arms on Wednesday)
Wednesday: 35 minutes of power yoga (first time I have ever sweated doing yoga) and the Bedtime Ab Burner
Thursday: Ran .90 of a mile in 9 something minutes (I thought the road I took was longer...oh well) and did a bit of jump roping
Friday: Nothing, I was feeling lazy :)
Saturday: Shot some hoops with my cousins and ran around with the kids


My graduation party today was pretty fun. I mostly hung around with the kids, as per usual (no I'm not a creepy pedophile, I just get along better with them than boring adults). I ended up eating two cupcakes (not at the same time) despite firmly stating beforehand that I wasn't going to even touch them. I had a bit of guilt after I finished each one, but I'm proud to say I was able to brush it off and say whatever. A treat every now and then never hurt anybody :)

Week Recap*

I hate to start a post sounding pessimistic, but I don't know how I'm going to make it two weeks here. We have been coming here almost every summer since before I can even remember, usually two weeks, sometimes less. I always looked forward to it as a change of scenery and circumstances and because I got to catch up with my relatives. There was, of course, a slight sense of dread. Sleeping on the floor in the basement, no air conditioning, so many people in a small house, not being able to watch what I want on TV (if they even let me watch it). This summer I was filled with only dread. I thought I'd try to make the best of it and that I would be strong enough to deal with my ED.
"Making the best of it" totally fell off the wagon at minute one. I probably came across as a shy little kitten, which I know isn't how I normally am when we're here. After unpacking, we took a trip to the grocery store to stock up on things that I could eat. Anxiety was like a heavy blanket, and it's never been that bad on a grocery trip before. They didn't have a lot of my familiar brands and food that I was comfortable with. Add to that the unfamiliar grocery store and the fact that I'm out of my "safe zone" (my house), and you have a mess. I tried to stay strong, I really did. I held up all day, even though all I wanted to do was fall apart and bawl my eyes out.
Yesterday was a bit better. I got to go for a run, which felt AMAZING; the temperature was cooler; I had some familiar foods; I sat on the back patio and watched the trees wave in the breeze. But, I still didn't want to eat. I had to force myself to eat at every meal and snack time. I hate doing that, but I know it's what's best for me. While I was reading on the patio, my gran walked up to the screen door and said, "How you been doing with your eating? I don't know when you eat and what not." Just wtf??? I know she knows about my eating problems (exactly what and how much, I have no clue), but that threw me off guard. I don't want her to worry about my food intake. I don't want to talk to her about it. I don't even really want her to know. I should have known my mom would end up telling her, though.
Anyways, today was....interesting. My mom, sister, and I went to Wegman's for the first time. I started out okay, and then my anxiety kept getting worse until I thought I was going to start crying right there in the International Foods aisle. This isn't normal. I'm usually only like this at grocery stores when they don't have one of my safe foods,  and we only went there to check it out. After Wegman's, we went to Barnes&Noble. I got a book called "Comeback Love" by Peter Golden. I hope it's as good as it looks!
My three younger cousins (14, 13, and 10) came over after lunch. I raced around the house with M a few times, my sister once, and L a couple more times. We didn't know what else to do, so we walked to the corner store to get candy (which I didn't get any of). Then, we got back, and sat on the back patio. Then, we sat in the grass. Then, we got a bright red ball and attempted to play soccer (the ball was super bouncy). More running. I could feel my legs straining and aching, but I kept going until I finally couldn't take it any longer. Now, it hurts to move my leg even an inch. I can't wait to see how they feel tomorrow!
Workouts:
Monday: Summer Shape-Up Workout 2 x2 and lots of pain
Tuesday: Crunch Cardio Dance DVD and my bum muscles were still hurting
Wednesday: 20 minutes of yoga and still in pain
Thursday: Nothing; pain mostly gone, it was just tight
Friday: 1 mile walk/run (~12 minutes),Workout 2, and 30 minute walk
Wow, that is a lot of words. From now on, I'm going to try to find the best in each day and try not to let my anxiety get to me. And hopefully, eating will be easier tomorrow.

Chocolate Cheesecake Spread

First of all, I apologize for the last post. It was posted out of frustration and guilt. While I am ashamed and embarrassed by the post, it will not be deleted because I believe that would be a denial of my feelings. As for the restricting I mentioned, I snacked on carrots all day and ended the day with a binge (I know, surprise surprise).

Anyway, on to something more tasty. I like to get creative in the kitchen, and I usually just throw some things together for my meal plan and hope it works out (thankfully, it usually does). Before I consumed the large-ish amount of sweets, part of my breakfast was a frozen waffle. For a topping, I was really only thinking of what needs to be eaten before we leave on Thursday. I need to get rid of the cream cheese, so I decided on a tablespoon of that. I want to finish the jar of chocolate peanut butter (coming home to an almost empty jar would be such a disappointment), so I added a tablespoon. I was a bit worried they wouldn't taste good together; but I mixed them together, spread it on the waffle, took a bite, and couldn't believe my taste buds! It tasted just like chocolate cheesecake! It was so good, I had it on toast this morning, and I'm having it again tomorrow for breakfast.

Chocolate Cheesecake Spread
(double for two slices of bread)

• 1 tbsp whipped cream cheese
• 1 tbsp PB&Co Dark Chocolate Dreams peanut butter

Mix and spread! You could probably use regular cream cheese, but then it wouldn't have the texture of cheesecake.

Packing tomorrow, and then a long car ride Thursday :)

The 'G' Word*

Guilt. Guilt. And more guilt.
I know it's stupid. I know it's probably irrational. I know other people would be able to move on with their day like nothing was out of the ordinary.
I'm not other people. I hate that I can't think like other people. No matter how hard I try, I always have disordered thoughts. Sure, it's not always strong. Sure, most of the time I can squash the thoughts like they're a puny ant. But, they're still there--the thoughts still creep in.
My dad came home from Japan last night, and he brought some Japanese candy for the rest of us to try. I had two purple sweet potato stick tarts, a banana stick tart, and an almond candy. After I already ate breakfast. I can't find calorie counts for any of it. I don't know how much sugar was in anything. Now, I'm worried I'll eat too many calories today. I already ate too many yesterday (I was unnaturally hungry last night).
I want to restrict. I know it's a giant step back, but one day won't hurt, right?
Don't answer that. I already know the answer, but what the hell. I'm restricting today!
(besides, I'm pretty sure I'll still be able to get enough calories)

Screaming Thighs

This was supposed to published last night, but I forgot. Just pretend the date says Saturday June 16 :)

So, I didn't realize that I was supposed to work out today until after I published yesterday's post. Oops. Well, this morning, I did 1.52 mile jog (18 minutes), and my butt and thigh muscles are screaming at me! It's okay, though; it just means I worked hard this week :)
After breakfast, my eyes just kept going to the window. The light breeze, the cool (for summer) temp, the seductive sunlight just begging me to come outside and run. I debated it with myself for probably twenty minutes (I won't be able to make it too far, I've already done enough this week/why spoil this amazing weather?, I'll feel so much happier afterwards). There really shouldn't have been any debate; once the idea for a run pops into my head, it doesn't go away until I atually go for a run. If I don't, I regret it the rest of the day.
After lunch we went for a trip to the local health food store. They have everything you could possibly imagine! Gluten-free foods, every flour imagineable, vegan "dairy" products, coconut water, kombucha, every nut butter possible, and so much more! And it's not a huge store, either. I got some snacks for the trip on Thursday, and things to eat while we're there. I think my sister was a bit out of her element there (she's more Nutella/chips/hot dogs). I just kept throwing bars into the basket, and she only got three oat cake bar things.
I got a few meal replacement bars because I just know there are going to be times when I don't want to eat. It's a change from my normal routine, so I'm going to want to retreat my "safe" place. I'm going to try as hard as I can not to, but I have the meal bars in case I do.

Summer Shape-Up: Week 1

This week I have been doing the Fitnessista's Summer Shape-Up. I have never pushed my body this hard or worked out four days in a row. It feels great, but I was bit sore during today's workout!
Along with workouts, she provides some meal ideas for the week. I didn't follow the meal-plan exactly, but it did give me some new food ideas. I made it vegetarian, used what I had on hand (for example, the avocados weren't ripe, so I used greek yogurt instead), and I had to bulk up the food to get enough calories (otherwise I'd have been 4-500 below each day).
My workouts this week:
Monday: Nothing. I thought it didn't start until Tuesday...oops...
Tuesday: Week 1 Circuit x2 and 15 minutes of HIIT (jumping jacks and high knees)
Wednesday: My mom's 3 Fast Miles DVD
Thursday: 30 minutes of power yoga
Friday: Same as Tuesday and the "Bedtime Ab Burner"
I couldn't even finish the ab burner; my belly muscles were screaming at me to stop. Normally, I'd push through the pain, but it hurt too much and felt strained. Besides, I already worked harder than ever this week ;)

On another note, I saw "Rock of Ages" with S earlier. sghszgnvdxfbg it was awesome! I highly recommend it! We sung along with the songs we knew (which was most of them). I hope the other people in the theater didn't get too annoyed....

Ritz: Open for Dizziness*

So, I know this post is a little late, but better late than never.
Sunday was amazing. I went to a private beach with S, C, and C's biker family. It was an afternoon (we got there around 1) of hot sand, cool breezes, cool/warm water, and lots of little kisses, cuddling, and just standing in the water talking. I acted shy for a while, but S really knows how to get me out of my shell.
But, as always (it seems), I managed to screw myself. Before I left the house, my "lunch" was an oatmeal raisin Luna Bar and a Gardenburger veggie patty. I only had about 600 cals before I left. At around 3, I started to feel a bit lightheaded, and I mentioned it to S. We got out of the water to see what there was to eat. Chips and Taco Bell....great....S encouraged me to eat just a few of the chips, and then we sat in the beach chairs and watched the water splash at the sand. I could still feel the emptiness in me, though. It wasn't much, but it was still there.
We went back in the water again for a bit. When we came out, I sat on his lap in a beach chair. It was then that I realized there was no way I was going to get 1600 calories for the day (I prob needed even more due to the amount of activity I did). Again, S encouraged me to eat more chips and I finished the bag. Then, we cuddled on the beach chair until it was time to go :)
We went to C's house, and we were alone for a few minutes before C and his family got there ;) Long story short, C wouldn't let us have his room, so we ended up in the shower...where I got lightheaded again. Only this time it was worse. My vision blacked out for a second and the room was all wobbly. I fell back against the side of the shower, and S held me up. He turned the water off, got out of the shower. I slid down the shower wall, sitting there, hugging my knees to my chest, shaking. S thought I should eat something, so I asked for crackers. I slowly nibbled the first Ritz. I stared at the second one, barely holding it between two fingers, like it was poisonous. I wanted it to vanish. I didn't want to eat it. S sat on the floor outside of the shower, talking to me, trying to get me to eat. It was then that I said words I never thought I'd say: "I like feeling empty." I said it so calmly. I was in the cold, hard grasp of the anorexic mind--all because I let the "anorexic high" get too bad.
I struggled through five Ritz crackers, reverting back to my old habit of breaking the food into smaller bits before I eat it. That took me an hour. An hour. It didn't feel like that long. It felt more like time had stopped. It had run away with my right mind.
I stood up, still lightheaded, but refusing to admit it. We talked, then tried to pick up where we left off. More lightheadedness. S made me eat some more crackers. Still lightheaded, not as bad, but still not admitting it.
We talked some more, and then it was time for me to go home. Thanks to S, I was able to bounce back, and didn't wallow in my slip-up.
I'm really lucky he was there. I don't even want to think about what would have happened if he wasn't. I've been doing fine since then, with only a minor pb/sunbutter binge earlier today. I'm not going to let myself feel the "anorexic high" anymore. I will do all I can to prevent that feeling because, honestly, I like it too much.

Revelation*

I just finished reading this article about orthorexia, and it also talks about orthorexia's link to other eating disorders. This line really clicked with me:

 "In fact, orthorexia may in some cases serve to disguise anorexia."

That was me. I was already a vegetarian for moral reasons, and then I slowly started cutting out different foods. No pasta, rice, limited bread (because of all the carbs); nothing with man-made chemicals or artificial anything (because it would harm me); no fast food or eating out (who knows what happened to the food before it got to me, and just smelling fast food made me feel like I was going to gain ten pounds); I was very strict with desserts (because of a slight fear of too much sugar).
I also cut calories, but I told myself that it was okay because I was eating good-quality foods.

"...orthorexics...fixate on the quality (as opposed to quantity) of food."

I didn't even realize what I was doing. I didn't learn about orthorexia until after I had started recovery, but now I see that it describes me perfectly.
I think I still am orthorexic, but it's just changed. And again, I keep telling myself it's okay because I get enough calories now, and I've added more things back into my diet. It's not okay though. Not if I really want to recovery, which I do.
I'm okay with bread now and I eat quinoa, but I'm still terrified of pasta and rice. I cringe at the thought of eating anything overly-processed and pumped with artificial crap, but I don't beat myself up if I have a small bite every once in a while. I have let myself eat out a couple of times, and I enjoy it, but you won't catch me at Burger King anytime soon.
The big problem is that, while I don't limit calories anymore, I do limit carbs, sugars, and fat. I track my meals on MyFitnessPal, and it tells me how many grams of each I should be eating. Going over on sugar doesn't bother too much anymore, as long as it's mostly naturally-occurring sugars. Going over on carbs freaks me out, and I have to adjust my meal-plan to make sure I stay below the recommended amount. I'm slowly becoming okay with eating more fat, but I still try to avoid going over what's recommended.
Bulimic to orthorexic to anorexic and back to orthorexic. I am not getting better. I'm getting worse in a different way. Now that I've realized this, I know what I should focus more on in recovery.
I should be thinking, "So what if I eat too many carbs?" "Oh, I ate too much sugar. Oh well, at least I enjoyed myself today." "I ate those Oreos, and so what if I can't pronounce half the ingredients. They were delicious."
If anyone that reads this is having their own struggles with food, I wish you the best in recovery. And I'm always open to talk :)

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly*

Good: This morning was amazing. I was up until four texting S, woke up at seven, ate my banana overnight oats, and got ready to workout. I did Kenpo X and it felt AMAZING! I can now hold my leg straight in the air when I'm on my back (sure, my leg shakes like crazy, but I can still do it). For the first time, my stomach and the backs of my thighs got cold when I was working out! That means my body was in fat-burning mode! And I wasn't even tired when I finished, even though I only had three hours of sleep :)

Bad: The post-workout grocery shopping trip started off normal, but I completely freaked when McKay's didn't have either of the breads that I usually eat (hey, I never said I was fully recovered). I looked from ingredient list to ingredient list and cringed at all the additives and man-made chemicals. The bread I do eat isn't much better, but that is just a compromise I have to make.
After that, I could only see the bad in any of the foods my mom put into the cart. Let the critisizing commence! Which led to argueing and crying...yeah...

Ugly: Well, it's not physically ugly. It's just an ugly situation. First off, I have a difficult time accepting and expressing my emotions. S is so sweet to me and he treats me like any girlfriend would hope to be treated. He knows about my eating problems, and he's even talked me out of a couple purges. It scares me. I know I should be happy and accept it, but I just can't. I'm fighting with the thoughts telling me  to run away and hide. It's difficult to accept that someone likes me despite my faults. I can't even accept my faults. I don't know what I should do: fight instinct or give in and crawl into my safe little shell?

Hello, No One

I'm not going to lie; I don't actually expect anyone to read this. I just need a place to record my thoughts and I find writing in a journal difficult to keep up with. Hopefully, this will be different.

I am trying to get healthy in all aspects of my life. I have not actually been diagnosed with an eating disorder, but I have been struggling with disordered eating for a while. I started my journey to get better the day before spring break (the last day of February, I think) when I was at my lowest weight and terrified of going any lower. Now, I'm trying to change my way of thinking and seeing the world, and I'm trying to get comfortable with "normal" eating again.

I am going to get better. I will have my slip-ups (in fact I just binged about an hour ago), but I know I've already come a long way. I am going to hold myself responsible and I will not go back to that miserable void of disordered eating.