No More Noodles

Everything has been going pretty great around here!

1. It's akward typing this after my last post.... S and I are back together. He lied about why he wanted to break up because of his fear of commitment. I'm glad he was (eventually) honest about that, and there's something about him.... I don't know.... I have such a connection with him...

2. My sister is home from her college for Thanksgiving break, and it's so awesome seeing her again! It does suck that I have to share the bathroom again, though.

3. I gave my presentation on the symptoms/treatment of schizophrenia today in psychology. A person that went before talked a bit about it in her presentation of mind disorders, which made me kinda apprehensive about mine. Her info didn't even match mine!
I went up like it was no biggie, and gave my presentation like a pro. My voice shook at first, but I controlled it, and it went away :)

4. Last night, I told my mom about the struggles I had this week. (I purged Saturday and Wednesday, and attempted to on Tuesday.) I told her that I REALLY need help. As in, no more saying I need it and doing nothing about it. She's trying to understand and be supportive. While it doesn't come across that way all the time, I know she means well and that means a lot.

5. I have had Amy's mac&cheese twice! Gluten free the first time on October 22nd. I figured eating gluten free noddles would make it easier. I did have anxiety, but it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. The taste helped; that's some good mac&cheese.
The second time was regular mac&cheese on Halloween, and I went to Starbucks later in the day, so that's a big deal! I didn't like it as much. The cheese tasted the same, but I don't think I like noodles.

6. I had Annie's Spirals with Butter & Parmesan for dinner tonight to finally decide if I like noodles or not. Maybe I didn't like the other ones since they were frozen and then microwaved?
Again, the cheese was good. No such luck with the noodles. I pretty much forced myself to eat it because I made it.
The good news is that I no longer have anxiety with eating noodles! I just don't like them anymore :)

7. I bought a pack of GF bagels (the only kind I've found that doesn't have mystery ingredients) a couple weeks ago! They aren't like "regular" bagels, but they were good. It was definitely still a challenge! By the time I finished half of the first one, my anxiety was gone. I didn't have any with cream cheese (none in the house), but I think it still counts for my Challenge list.
Next step, a "regular" bagel!

Christmas shopping, froyo, and Rise of the Guardians with my sis this week! I can't wait!

A New Journey

S broke up with my Wednesday night. Apparently, I'm too flawed for him (even though he told me before he accepted my flaws [and I did the same for him]). He also says he has issues with commitment. So do I, but I was pushing through those issues for him, for us. And he "needs to be single right now," "we're still young," and more along those lines. I could write out the long list of counters those (and I did tell him some), but there's no point now. I'm sorry to say that I sounded a bit desperate in trying to get him not to break up with me. In the end, though, it was futile.

I was wallowing from that point to earlier today. Yesterday, I almost didn't eat, but I knew that was a bad idea. I don't want to get caught up in that cycle again. My lunch was a pint of Cheesecake Brownie Ben & Jerry's, a good way to cure an aching heart.

Earlier at Starbucks, I realized something. Letting this get me down isn't going to get me anywhere. If I do that, it means he has control over me; and I'd be letting my ED have control over me, too. I felt empty and alone; unfortunetly, he was my tie to the world. I didn't realize he was until after I didn't have him.

In a way, it's a good thing we're over. I have to learn to stand on my own sometime and the sooner the better. I am going to make myself into a strong, independent woman. I am single. I am going to embrace that. I am going to throw myself into my schoolwork (bonus: better grades). I am going to try to interact more with others and put myself out there more (bonus: hopefully I'll be able to get some real friends). I am going to challenge myself more with my ED and deal with my problems instead of just talking about how I need to deal with them (bonus: less likely to relapse or slip-up).

This is the beginning of my new journey as a strong, independent, single woman. No one is going to stand in my way and no one is going to get me down.

Cupcake #1 and Confidence

I have wanted to write all week! Between writing two papers, taking notes from my textbooks, doing a project and having a fun day with S after it all I've had a pretty busy week. I'm not gonna lie, I took plenty of breaks from my schoolwork; but I needed a break from the computer then, too. So, no post until today.

Last Saturday, my family I went up to Annapolis after my class. We went to the mall (it's huge!) because I need more than three pairs of pants, and I haven't been able to find anything that fits right. One pair I have now is jeggings, so they're stretchy. The other two are on the verge of being too tight.
The problem I have is this: If it fits in the thighs, it's too tight in the butt (and it won't zip). If it fits in the butt, it's way baggy in the thighs.

I tried on so many different styles from so many stores, and still nothing worked. I did find one pair that fit, but they looked like mom jeans on me.... Looks like it's going to be skirts and tights this fall and winter!

After the mall, we went to Whole Foods (of course). Hot bar for dinner, shopping, and then....a cupcake! I told myself I would do it, that I could do it. So, I don't know the cals for dinner or the cupcake; it doesn't mean I can't have a sweet! I got the caramel apple, and it was so delicious! The ED voice tried to creep in when I finished it. Yeah, not gonna happen! One cupcake is not going to hurt me :)

Now, back to the day with S that I mentioned. Wednesday, I got to see him for the first time in....I think two months? It's been a while, to say the least.

When he started undressing me, for the first time ever I didn't want to hide myself. I didn't feel the need to cover myself up or try to find the "right" way to sit so I looked "just right." I felt more confident, and it was great. Even while we were doing things, I didn't think once about covering myself up or finding the right lighting. Okay, that's a lie. There was one moment when I stopped and wrapped my arms around my body. Honestly, though, it felt a bit forced. Not completely, but I felt like it's what I should be doing. Thankfully, that shyness didn't last long!

The point is that I'm more confident then before and less self conscious. I just hadn't realized it until then. I'm also like that in other aspects of my life. I can walk around, and I don't care who looks at me or what their eyes say. I'm speaking out more, and I'm not afraid of doing it.

The world doesn't look quite so big and bad and scary anymore. I'm confident in myself. I am who I am; no one else is going to change that. I have the capabilities to do what I want (become an RD). I'm not as self conscious. I wear what I want because I want to. I speak out because I'm no longer afraid of being judged by what I say.

I love me.

A few months (maybe even weeks) ago, I never would have said that. I can now, though. And it's true.

I love me.

I hope everyone that reads this loves themselves, too. If you don't, I hope you do soon and I wish you the best :)

Cereal Success

Yeah, I like alliterations...They can make anything sound so catchy!

I finished my box of Cookie Crisp today! A day early! I was bit worried I wouldn't be able to complete the challenge because I still had about half a box left this morning.

Well, I've been snacking on it all day. Mostly while reading a book a few minutes ago ;) I was that determined to finish the box by tomorrow! Little did I know I'd actually finish today! Challenge completed.

What challenge to take on next? Hmmm.....

Hello, Old Habits*

I was on the track to getting better. At least, I thought I was. I've been happy and upbeat for weeks. I haven't felt weak. I haven't had any negative thoughts toward myself, and very little towards others (we all know how difficult it is to think positively about some people). I haven't seen exircising as a "calorie burner" in months. I've been letting myself indulge when I want to. No food is off limits.

I've been lying to myself, putting a (very thick) "happy blanket" over my problems and not dealing with them. I've been letting them manifest in silence. Sitting under that blanket, writhing, growing, slowly tearing through the blanket.

Well, today, that "blanket" was ripped to shreds. No more hiding. No more lying. No more applying cover-up and pretending the problems underneath don't exist anymore.

I have been watching my cals very closely, lately. Terrified to get even close to 1400. I pretended it wasn't a problem because I was eating more than 1200 (albeit barely most days) and letting myself indulge more than before.

The blanket shredding really started yesterday evening when I skipped dinner in favor of doing P90X. The last time I did that was the day I broke down and confessed to my mom back in April. I did eventually eat, and I consumed plenty of calories; but that doesn't erase my old habit. I may have consumed enough cals, but I still went through with an ED behavior.

Today, my gran and mom went out to go Christmas shopping, leaving me to do my schoolwork. Shortly after they left, I made my way downstairs and poked around for something to eat for lunch. I had an Amy's burrito. No problem. I felt like having a chocolate-covered banana. Why not? No problem. I wanted Oreos, but knew I wouldn't be able to stop at just one, so I had a Cookies and Cream Clif bar, thinking it would squash my cravings. Problem: it didn't. I went back to the kitchen, ate an Oreo. Then, I went back and got a coupld more. Then, some more. Hello, old(-ish) habit.

I went back upstairs, grabbed my psych book and made myself walk up and down the stairs while I  read. That only lasted a couple minutes; I couldn't take the feelings of guilt anymore. The feelings of shame. I put my book down, went into the bathroom, and tried to purge. My nails are too long, so it hurt. I didn't get much out. That meant that I had to exircise to get rid of the calories. I put on my workout clothes, popped in Plyometrics X. My legs wanted to buckle because of the workout I did yesterday. I tryed pushing through. I broke down instead. I turned off the DVD.

The thoughts going through my head now are terrible. I can't eat the rest of the day. I have to restrict the rest of the week. I have to workout harder this week. I'm such a weak fatty.

I just want to curl up into a ball until the thoughts go away. I want to let them beat me down and leave me a mess. At least then I won't be pretending anymore.

I am going to rise above this. This is just a minor setback. Nobody's perfect, especially me. I'm going to look into therapy, now. I've been afraid of asking for professional help, but today has made me realize that I need it. I can't do this alone.

Mr. Noodle

Remember him? From Elmo's World on Sesame Street? The guy with the huge mustache that never talked? No? Okay...

Well, I didn't eat him (ew), but I did eat noodles for dinner!

This was actually a challenge I was hoping to put off, but I decided to tackle it head on. Besides, my mom bought a butternut squash and didn't know what to do with it ;)

My anxiety level was so high, but the delicious cheeze sauce helped me get through it. The only way to get the sauce is to eat the noodles, so I took a deep breath and devoured the plate. Subbing half the noodles with cauliflower was a big help, too; I knew I'd be getting some veggie goodness with each spoonful :)

I am weary about eating noodles again. I want to say, "I did it. I ate noodles. Now I never have to eat them again," but I think that's giving in. Why not give it another shot? Make a different yummy sauce and go all noodles next time? I think I'll do it, just to prove to myself that I can.

On a different note! S and I are back together! He kinda came crawling back today. As long he doesn't act like he did before we broke up, I like with being with him :)

Another One Bites the Dust

And another one gone, and another one gone...
Queen, anyone?

Anyway, I'm referring to the completion of another of my food challenges. Today, I went to Starbucks to work on my psych notes, and I couldn't pass up a pumpkin latte! Soy milk, no whip (whipped cream on hot beverages? Ew), absolutely delicious, and fear conquered! I also got one of the "bistro boxes," and I went back for a cinnamon roll about an hour later.

I'm kind of proud about the cinnamon roll. I was nervous about it, but I told the ED voice to shut up, and I enjoyed that cinnamon roll! Next step is to make my own.

Last night for dinner, I made these veggie burgers. Even though the recipe didn't come from one of my cookbooks, I'm going to count it as September's recipe on my challenge list since September is almost over. By the way, they were super delicious! Go make them!

And on Friday, I am hopefully going to be conquering my fear of pasta by making butternut squash mac'n cheese. I drool just looking out those pictures! Half of the noodles will be subbed for cauliflower, but it's a step in the right direction :)