Hello, Old Habits*

I was on the track to getting better. At least, I thought I was. I've been happy and upbeat for weeks. I haven't felt weak. I haven't had any negative thoughts toward myself, and very little towards others (we all know how difficult it is to think positively about some people). I haven't seen exircising as a "calorie burner" in months. I've been letting myself indulge when I want to. No food is off limits.

I've been lying to myself, putting a (very thick) "happy blanket" over my problems and not dealing with them. I've been letting them manifest in silence. Sitting under that blanket, writhing, growing, slowly tearing through the blanket.

Well, today, that "blanket" was ripped to shreds. No more hiding. No more lying. No more applying cover-up and pretending the problems underneath don't exist anymore.

I have been watching my cals very closely, lately. Terrified to get even close to 1400. I pretended it wasn't a problem because I was eating more than 1200 (albeit barely most days) and letting myself indulge more than before.

The blanket shredding really started yesterday evening when I skipped dinner in favor of doing P90X. The last time I did that was the day I broke down and confessed to my mom back in April. I did eventually eat, and I consumed plenty of calories; but that doesn't erase my old habit. I may have consumed enough cals, but I still went through with an ED behavior.

Today, my gran and mom went out to go Christmas shopping, leaving me to do my schoolwork. Shortly after they left, I made my way downstairs and poked around for something to eat for lunch. I had an Amy's burrito. No problem. I felt like having a chocolate-covered banana. Why not? No problem. I wanted Oreos, but knew I wouldn't be able to stop at just one, so I had a Cookies and Cream Clif bar, thinking it would squash my cravings. Problem: it didn't. I went back to the kitchen, ate an Oreo. Then, I went back and got a coupld more. Then, some more. Hello, old(-ish) habit.

I went back upstairs, grabbed my psych book and made myself walk up and down the stairs while I  read. That only lasted a couple minutes; I couldn't take the feelings of guilt anymore. The feelings of shame. I put my book down, went into the bathroom, and tried to purge. My nails are too long, so it hurt. I didn't get much out. That meant that I had to exircise to get rid of the calories. I put on my workout clothes, popped in Plyometrics X. My legs wanted to buckle because of the workout I did yesterday. I tryed pushing through. I broke down instead. I turned off the DVD.

The thoughts going through my head now are terrible. I can't eat the rest of the day. I have to restrict the rest of the week. I have to workout harder this week. I'm such a weak fatty.

I just want to curl up into a ball until the thoughts go away. I want to let them beat me down and leave me a mess. At least then I won't be pretending anymore.

I am going to rise above this. This is just a minor setback. Nobody's perfect, especially me. I'm going to look into therapy, now. I've been afraid of asking for professional help, but today has made me realize that I need it. I can't do this alone.