Ritz: Open for Dizziness*

So, I know this post is a little late, but better late than never.
Sunday was amazing. I went to a private beach with S, C, and C's biker family. It was an afternoon (we got there around 1) of hot sand, cool breezes, cool/warm water, and lots of little kisses, cuddling, and just standing in the water talking. I acted shy for a while, but S really knows how to get me out of my shell.
But, as always (it seems), I managed to screw myself. Before I left the house, my "lunch" was an oatmeal raisin Luna Bar and a Gardenburger veggie patty. I only had about 600 cals before I left. At around 3, I started to feel a bit lightheaded, and I mentioned it to S. We got out of the water to see what there was to eat. Chips and Taco Bell....great....S encouraged me to eat just a few of the chips, and then we sat in the beach chairs and watched the water splash at the sand. I could still feel the emptiness in me, though. It wasn't much, but it was still there.
We went back in the water again for a bit. When we came out, I sat on his lap in a beach chair. It was then that I realized there was no way I was going to get 1600 calories for the day (I prob needed even more due to the amount of activity I did). Again, S encouraged me to eat more chips and I finished the bag. Then, we cuddled on the beach chair until it was time to go :)
We went to C's house, and we were alone for a few minutes before C and his family got there ;) Long story short, C wouldn't let us have his room, so we ended up in the shower...where I got lightheaded again. Only this time it was worse. My vision blacked out for a second and the room was all wobbly. I fell back against the side of the shower, and S held me up. He turned the water off, got out of the shower. I slid down the shower wall, sitting there, hugging my knees to my chest, shaking. S thought I should eat something, so I asked for crackers. I slowly nibbled the first Ritz. I stared at the second one, barely holding it between two fingers, like it was poisonous. I wanted it to vanish. I didn't want to eat it. S sat on the floor outside of the shower, talking to me, trying to get me to eat. It was then that I said words I never thought I'd say: "I like feeling empty." I said it so calmly. I was in the cold, hard grasp of the anorexic mind--all because I let the "anorexic high" get too bad.
I struggled through five Ritz crackers, reverting back to my old habit of breaking the food into smaller bits before I eat it. That took me an hour. An hour. It didn't feel like that long. It felt more like time had stopped. It had run away with my right mind.
I stood up, still lightheaded, but refusing to admit it. We talked, then tried to pick up where we left off. More lightheadedness. S made me eat some more crackers. Still lightheaded, not as bad, but still not admitting it.
We talked some more, and then it was time for me to go home. Thanks to S, I was able to bounce back, and didn't wallow in my slip-up.
I'm really lucky he was there. I don't even want to think about what would have happened if he wasn't. I've been doing fine since then, with only a minor pb/sunbutter binge earlier today. I'm not going to let myself feel the "anorexic high" anymore. I will do all I can to prevent that feeling because, honestly, I like it too much.