Revelation*

I just finished reading this article about orthorexia, and it also talks about orthorexia's link to other eating disorders. This line really clicked with me:

 "In fact, orthorexia may in some cases serve to disguise anorexia."

That was me. I was already a vegetarian for moral reasons, and then I slowly started cutting out different foods. No pasta, rice, limited bread (because of all the carbs); nothing with man-made chemicals or artificial anything (because it would harm me); no fast food or eating out (who knows what happened to the food before it got to me, and just smelling fast food made me feel like I was going to gain ten pounds); I was very strict with desserts (because of a slight fear of too much sugar).
I also cut calories, but I told myself that it was okay because I was eating good-quality foods.

"...orthorexics...fixate on the quality (as opposed to quantity) of food."

I didn't even realize what I was doing. I didn't learn about orthorexia until after I had started recovery, but now I see that it describes me perfectly.
I think I still am orthorexic, but it's just changed. And again, I keep telling myself it's okay because I get enough calories now, and I've added more things back into my diet. It's not okay though. Not if I really want to recovery, which I do.
I'm okay with bread now and I eat quinoa, but I'm still terrified of pasta and rice. I cringe at the thought of eating anything overly-processed and pumped with artificial crap, but I don't beat myself up if I have a small bite every once in a while. I have let myself eat out a couple of times, and I enjoy it, but you won't catch me at Burger King anytime soon.
The big problem is that, while I don't limit calories anymore, I do limit carbs, sugars, and fat. I track my meals on MyFitnessPal, and it tells me how many grams of each I should be eating. Going over on sugar doesn't bother too much anymore, as long as it's mostly naturally-occurring sugars. Going over on carbs freaks me out, and I have to adjust my meal-plan to make sure I stay below the recommended amount. I'm slowly becoming okay with eating more fat, but I still try to avoid going over what's recommended.
Bulimic to orthorexic to anorexic and back to orthorexic. I am not getting better. I'm getting worse in a different way. Now that I've realized this, I know what I should focus more on in recovery.
I should be thinking, "So what if I eat too many carbs?" "Oh, I ate too much sugar. Oh well, at least I enjoyed myself today." "I ate those Oreos, and so what if I can't pronounce half the ingredients. They were delicious."
If anyone that reads this is having their own struggles with food, I wish you the best in recovery. And I'm always open to talk :)